Very Early Sunday Morning
I'm still crying, but I'm laughing as well. Pretty good trick don't you think? God...he looked so good. Even though he looked a little tired, the minute I saw him as I stepped off the plane it seemed like I'd just seen him an hour ago. I very nearly knocked him to the ground when I ran and jumped into his arms. It's definitely a good thing to love a big, strong man.
I managed not to embarrass myself and held it together on the drive to the hotel. It was good that Alexi hadn't come to pick me up in a limo, or we never would have made it out of the airport parking lot. As it was I tried to convince him to pull off the road somewhere deserted, but ever concerned about my welfare he stubbornly stuck to getting us all the way to the room. Ha ha...but no further. The minute we closed the door I was naked and in his arms...god... how I missed that.
I could go on, and in great details...but I won't. On the off chance my mother ever reads this I'll leave the rest of the night to the imagination. But you'd better have a triple A class imagination, to get the full effect.
My internal clock is still whacky from all the time changes, and...well...now that I'm back on skipping the daylight time, I didn't sleep much at all. When I did wake up, Alexi was dead to the world so I ordered room service, ate finally, until I felt like I would explode, and then took an hour bath. The hotel has a great jacuzzi tub, and I took advantage. I climbed back into bed for a while, and just sort of crawled all over Alexi, as he slept...just loving the feel of him against me. Then I got up, watched some Ukrainian television...quite interesting when you don't speak a word of Ukrainian...and wrote a short letter to mom and dad. I'd called them earlier, and woke them, so I didn't talk long enough to say more than I'd arrived safe, and would write. So I wrote.
Now...now I'm waiting for Alexi again, to wake and rise. But this time I'm snuggled up in his arms...where I always want to wake from, from now on.
Catching Up
Wednesday -
Okay...this is probably going to sound really silly...a journal coming from someone who never kept a diary in her life, but who writes for a living. I know one reason I never started one of these before was the idea that I had something to live up to. Being a published author should have no bearing on a personal journal I write, but it does...what can I say, I'm strange like that I guess.
I haven't been able to write at all since leaving Nachton. Lucile is being very gracious under the circumstances, but I know I'm not going to get much more leave time. I will need to get back to writing, or there will be no third book to publish. I will pin a little hope on this journal, and that by writing it my fictional muse is sparked again, so that I will be writing again soon.
I'm deliriously happy to say that Dad is doing so much better. The chemo has helped tremendously, even if it did zap any strength he might have had left. The doctors are all amazed at how well the growth is being diminished, especially since they decided surgery wouldn't be possible without removing the entire lung. Apparently lung cancer comes in two kinds...the good kind that can usually be cured, and the bad kind that there is little chance of removing successfully. While the doctors had thought the tumor was the latter at first, it was just so incredible to hear they had made a mistake, and his prognosis has changed from bleak to positive.
Mom is beside herself with relief too, as are Tristan, Mike, and Cindy. It's been good being home with them all again, even if we really haven't had a lot of time together. I know dad has benefited from having us all around, and even more so now that we're all grown, and not given to bouts of arguing and fighting anymore. That's not to say we've all not had our moments, but thankfully they've been brief, and not awfully serious. Mom is enjoying having her kidlets around again too, and I've actually seen her gain strength from us. It's a little funny to think that when we were younger we had so much the opposite effect on her.
The one huge fly on the canvas is that I miss Alexi so. I knew it would be difficult being away from him when Tris and I came home, but I never expected it to be as rough as it has been. More so, I'm very surprised that the others have noticed the change in me since I returned.
Tris was quite the loving brother, and filled them in on everything...or what he could anyway. I'm glad he was able to visit when he did, and could meet Alexi. I wish I could have talked to him, and told him 'everything' but the time just never seemed right. And then too, as much as I love my brother, and as much as he may have changed, I still don't trust him implicitly. No...it's better this way. The risk is too great for Alexi, and I know I would die if anything happened to him. There's really no question there.
At least I've been able to talk to Alexi a few times since he left on his sabbatical, but because of the time difference, and the issue of privacy, it's been hard to say what I've been feeling. I text message him almost every day, even if it's just to tell him I love him, because I can't imagine letting go of that small connection. It's almost like if I don't stay connected somehow, I might lose him forever. And that thought just can't be imagined...to do so drives me to tears.
Friday -
The visit with Dad today was just great. He's getting stronger all the time now that this batch of chemo is behind him. He goes back in six weeks to go through another batch, and then it's just check ups every six months. I want to weep when I think of how easily this could have had such a different outcome. But I'll save the tears for later. I'm going to be leaving tomorrow, and flying off to meet up with Alexi...and I'm sure I'll need them all then. Saying good bye has never been easy for me, but with the idea of mortality being so fresh and raw right now, it's even more difficult.
Ah, Alexi my love, it was so good to finally hear your voice again last night. I hope I didn't scare you with the urgency in my own voice, but when you mentioned again that you wanted me with you I couldn't keep my heart from nearly exploding. It is the only thing I can think of right now...being with you...in your arms...sharing this odyssey of your's with you. I was tempted, but afraid to ask if you were finding any comfort in your travels. You can tell me all about it when I see you, and after we spend the entire night making love. I will do my best to avoid distracting you from your investigations, but my mind and body is focused on only one thing now - feeling you inside me...being a part of you again...letting me love you, and you me. I could go on, but find my hands are getting shaky with the thoughts. I've never been effected by anyone else, like you effect me love...it's a little scary how sometimes I just think about your hands on me and I climax.
Oh my goodness...
Saturday -
I knew it...the water works started at home when I said goodbye to mom and dad, and continued as I went through the same routine with the sibs at the airport. How is it possible for a person to produce so much saline? I'm afraid now that when I see Alexi I will scare the shit out of him at how bad I look...red, runny nose, and eyes...I've lost more weight...I can only hope the love he has for me sees beyond this frightening facade. I'm in here Alexi, your Shay...really...it's me honey.
Ah...that feels good, to laugh and smile again. I'm going to need to hold onto that now. It shouldn't be difficult. I'm going to be with the man I love again. My family is healing, and happy again. What more could I ask for?
Shay
18 years ago
Shay
18 years ago
I almost hate to write in here anymore. It takes time away from Alexi, and I've decided for a writer I truly can't describe things the way I see them. I try, and I guess for the most part it must come across alright, though I often feel frustrated.
To say I'm happy...there, that right there is so inadequate. I'm much more than merely happy. I'm sure soon Alexi is going to question the goofy grin that is almost constantly on my face these days, though he's not looking too much different himself. I guess part of the grin is caused by the simple fact that even having space between us for a time, nothing has changed. If anything the separation has made us appreciate each other even that much more, and knowing what its like being apart, makes us cling together more strongly. We both know we can survive apart, but survival isn't living.
Aside from the beautiful, and rather consistent lovemaking (and yes, I do still blush at certain things) it has been an almost non-stop whirlwind of going since we got out of bed that third day. (blushing again)
Alexi has been like a little boy, taking me all over Kiev, showing me the places that mean so much to him...telling me stories of things he did here in the past. Not all have been pretty things, but they all are a part of who he's become, and have given me so much more insight into who he is. I hope he never tires of sharing those things with me. For as long as I live, I know there is no way he'll be able to share even a tenth of what he's done and lived through over the past hundreds of years. But I'm happy to get what I can.
The city of Kiev is much more populated than I expected. So far the people we've run into have been very kind, even to me. It could be having a tall, ruggedly handsome Russian at my side helps.
The buildings, which seem to hold a special place in Alexi's heart, are truly beautiful. I suppose he holds them dear, because so many have been around nearly as long as he has, and it gives him a sense of belonging to see them, and their stability. People come and go, styles change...but seeing a building that was around in the eleventh century, when you were as well...I can only guess at how that must make him feel.
The Cathedral of Saint Sophia, what beautiful mosaics and frescos it holds. The church of Saint Andrew, the Percherska Lavra's two cathedrals and catacombs, and the restored Golden Gate...the wall that protected the city back in the eleventh century, are all so much more beautiful to me, because of what they mean to him.
Of course I've fallen in love with the pottery, and beautiful embroidery I keep finding here, and have already purchased more than I should. But I'm sending pieces home to my mom and sister too...not everything would fit in our condo in Nachton. I'm sure Alexi is relieved. Though he keeps telling me he doesn't mind...even now as he looks over my shoulder to see what I write.
And that is my cue to stop for now. Either I'm about to be made love to, or dragged off to see another church. While the former is always my preference, I'm learning to love the latter.
TTFN!
To say I'm happy...there, that right there is so inadequate. I'm much more than merely happy. I'm sure soon Alexi is going to question the goofy grin that is almost constantly on my face these days, though he's not looking too much different himself. I guess part of the grin is caused by the simple fact that even having space between us for a time, nothing has changed. If anything the separation has made us appreciate each other even that much more, and knowing what its like being apart, makes us cling together more strongly. We both know we can survive apart, but survival isn't living.
Aside from the beautiful, and rather consistent lovemaking (and yes, I do still blush at certain things) it has been an almost non-stop whirlwind of going since we got out of bed that third day. (blushing again)
Alexi has been like a little boy, taking me all over Kiev, showing me the places that mean so much to him...telling me stories of things he did here in the past. Not all have been pretty things, but they all are a part of who he's become, and have given me so much more insight into who he is. I hope he never tires of sharing those things with me. For as long as I live, I know there is no way he'll be able to share even a tenth of what he's done and lived through over the past hundreds of years. But I'm happy to get what I can.
The city of Kiev is much more populated than I expected. So far the people we've run into have been very kind, even to me. It could be having a tall, ruggedly handsome Russian at my side helps.
The buildings, which seem to hold a special place in Alexi's heart, are truly beautiful. I suppose he holds them dear, because so many have been around nearly as long as he has, and it gives him a sense of belonging to see them, and their stability. People come and go, styles change...but seeing a building that was around in the eleventh century, when you were as well...I can only guess at how that must make him feel.
The Cathedral of Saint Sophia, what beautiful mosaics and frescos it holds. The church of Saint Andrew, the Percherska Lavra's two cathedrals and catacombs, and the restored Golden Gate...the wall that protected the city back in the eleventh century, are all so much more beautiful to me, because of what they mean to him.
Of course I've fallen in love with the pottery, and beautiful embroidery I keep finding here, and have already purchased more than I should. But I'm sending pieces home to my mom and sister too...not everything would fit in our condo in Nachton. I'm sure Alexi is relieved. Though he keeps telling me he doesn't mind...even now as he looks over my shoulder to see what I write.
And that is my cue to stop for now. Either I'm about to be made love to, or dragged off to see another church. While the former is always my preference, I'm learning to love the latter.
TTFN!
Shay
18 years ago
Very early Tuesday morning
Home. The word has always meant a lot to me, and still does, but its so different now.
I do think of home when I think of Nachton, and knowing we're returning there I can
say 'I'm going home', and mean it. But I'm also home here, and if I ever return with
Alexi, I'll be able to say I'm returning home and mean it as well.
Of course my real home is Alexi, now, and always. So wherever he goes, and is will be
my home, even if I'm not with him.
I can't begin to express how I've felt having made this trip with Alexi, and what its
meant having him share it all with him. At first that was it, just a matter of being
with him. I could have been on the moon when I first got here and it would have been
the same. I really didn't expect to get more than some pretty views of these foreign
cities, and a little bit of the current culture. I was so wrong.
Not only have I started learning about these cities, the culture, and the people, but I've
also begun understanding their history and why they are who they are today. The same
is true of Alexi. He is these people, these cities, and countries, and every pore on
his body holds pieces of it all. He could no easier renounce this part of the world
from his consciousness, than he could walk out into the noon day sun. Either choice
would cause him to cease to exist.
Moving from Kiev to Istanbul wasn't as much of a cultural shock as I initially
imagined. Of course I still couldn't speak the language and had to rely on Alexi for
everything. Again I saw more churches than I can now remember, but when I was taken
inside the Hagia Sophia, and watched Alexi's face, and heard his stories of a childhood
so long ago, I could almost see him there then. Such a transformation came over him
that it truly was as if he had been transported back so many hundreds of years
ago...and now faced his future new, in awe, and with hope. He thinks so much time has
passed to make him hard and jaded now, but I see beyond that. In his eyes I can see
that young boy still. I've always been able to I think, but didn't know who he was
until I saw him here. For all I've seen, he is my most wonderful memory.
Under the circumstances I was extremely surprised, and delighted to meet another
vampire here, one Gaius Aurelius. I don't know why it always surprises me still to
find them everywhere. I think it might be like being pregnant, once you are, everyone
else is too. Not that that's true, of course, but I've been told it feels like that. So now that I know about vampires, and share my soul with one, I'm seeing them everywhere.
Gaius couldn't have been nicer when I told him about the book I'm currently writing. Outside of Alexi, he's the only vampire I think I have told. In hearing the parts of his life he shared, he both gave me hope for Alexi, and made me a little sad for myself.
His feelings on his lot in life were realistic, and accepting, and not at all maudlin. Yet hearing how he'd loved so many, who ultimately left him in death, made me face my own future again. Happily, I believe Alexi will go on, and undoubtedly fall in love again. Selfishly, I don't want to let go of what we have nor do I want to think of someone else taking my place...even if it's three hundred years from now. And even if that's what I've done with Alexi now. I can't think of anyone before me, or after me, and not get jealous. As ridiculous as that is. But I won't dwell on that. It does no good, and I've brought enough crazy sadness to our relationship. I feel reborn from the Shay that left Nachton to go to California, and that's the way I will remain.
In seeing Alexi's strength and some of what he went through to get it, I've vowed from now on I'll do no less. My life has been extremely easy, and fortunate, and I don't ever want to forget that. What pain I've known is nothing. I've been lucky, and now know I will be until the night I close my eyes for the last time.
Phew! I really didn't intend to go down that road so far. What I started as a happy
go lucky recount of my tour here, was not supposed to turn into some whiney, depressing, introspective litany. Life is too short, and I don't want to take those thoughts home with me. I want to take home the knowledge that Alexi has been able to find the part of himself that he'd lost, and now feels whole and clear about his life again. And, he still wants to share it with me.
So that is what this trip has wrought. And, my writing muse has returned with a fervor. I've completed two more chapters of the book, and can almost hear Lucile squealing once I get home and call to tell her. With a bit more dedication, and hard work...and the love of my man with me, I'm hoping I'll have it all wrapped up in another month.
Now really...could I even imagine any more happiness?
Home. The word has always meant a lot to me, and still does, but its so different now.
I do think of home when I think of Nachton, and knowing we're returning there I can
say 'I'm going home', and mean it. But I'm also home here, and if I ever return with
Alexi, I'll be able to say I'm returning home and mean it as well.
Of course my real home is Alexi, now, and always. So wherever he goes, and is will be
my home, even if I'm not with him.
I can't begin to express how I've felt having made this trip with Alexi, and what its
meant having him share it all with him. At first that was it, just a matter of being
with him. I could have been on the moon when I first got here and it would have been
the same. I really didn't expect to get more than some pretty views of these foreign
cities, and a little bit of the current culture. I was so wrong.
Not only have I started learning about these cities, the culture, and the people, but I've
also begun understanding their history and why they are who they are today. The same
is true of Alexi. He is these people, these cities, and countries, and every pore on
his body holds pieces of it all. He could no easier renounce this part of the world
from his consciousness, than he could walk out into the noon day sun. Either choice
would cause him to cease to exist.
Moving from Kiev to Istanbul wasn't as much of a cultural shock as I initially
imagined. Of course I still couldn't speak the language and had to rely on Alexi for
everything. Again I saw more churches than I can now remember, but when I was taken
inside the Hagia Sophia, and watched Alexi's face, and heard his stories of a childhood
so long ago, I could almost see him there then. Such a transformation came over him
that it truly was as if he had been transported back so many hundreds of years
ago...and now faced his future new, in awe, and with hope. He thinks so much time has
passed to make him hard and jaded now, but I see beyond that. In his eyes I can see
that young boy still. I've always been able to I think, but didn't know who he was
until I saw him here. For all I've seen, he is my most wonderful memory.
Under the circumstances I was extremely surprised, and delighted to meet another
vampire here, one Gaius Aurelius. I don't know why it always surprises me still to
find them everywhere. I think it might be like being pregnant, once you are, everyone
else is too. Not that that's true, of course, but I've been told it feels like that. So now that I know about vampires, and share my soul with one, I'm seeing them everywhere.
Gaius couldn't have been nicer when I told him about the book I'm currently writing. Outside of Alexi, he's the only vampire I think I have told. In hearing the parts of his life he shared, he both gave me hope for Alexi, and made me a little sad for myself.
His feelings on his lot in life were realistic, and accepting, and not at all maudlin. Yet hearing how he'd loved so many, who ultimately left him in death, made me face my own future again. Happily, I believe Alexi will go on, and undoubtedly fall in love again. Selfishly, I don't want to let go of what we have nor do I want to think of someone else taking my place...even if it's three hundred years from now. And even if that's what I've done with Alexi now. I can't think of anyone before me, or after me, and not get jealous. As ridiculous as that is. But I won't dwell on that. It does no good, and I've brought enough crazy sadness to our relationship. I feel reborn from the Shay that left Nachton to go to California, and that's the way I will remain.
In seeing Alexi's strength and some of what he went through to get it, I've vowed from now on I'll do no less. My life has been extremely easy, and fortunate, and I don't ever want to forget that. What pain I've known is nothing. I've been lucky, and now know I will be until the night I close my eyes for the last time.
Phew! I really didn't intend to go down that road so far. What I started as a happy
go lucky recount of my tour here, was not supposed to turn into some whiney, depressing, introspective litany. Life is too short, and I don't want to take those thoughts home with me. I want to take home the knowledge that Alexi has been able to find the part of himself that he'd lost, and now feels whole and clear about his life again. And, he still wants to share it with me.
So that is what this trip has wrought. And, my writing muse has returned with a fervor. I've completed two more chapters of the book, and can almost hear Lucile squealing once I get home and call to tell her. With a bit more dedication, and hard work...and the love of my man with me, I'm hoping I'll have it all wrapped up in another month.
Now really...could I even imagine any more happiness?