The Tikerak / Before Mourning (Private, PM for Invite) / Xeph 17 years ago
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Before Mourning (Private, PM for Invite)

Xeph sat on one of the benches that bordered the Tikerak. It was dark, and most of the Pack were in bed, but as was the norm Xeph wasn't among them. If his sleep was often troubled by nightmares, then tonight's would have been particularly hellish. His mother was settled in to her new room, he had to assume, for he'd left her with Hammer. Tomorrow Brig and the Pipers would be on their way to Canberra.

Xeph himself was concerned. What bothered him, it was difficult to put his finger on. He wasn't really much of a talker; there wasn't really any sense in seeking out a friend to be chatty with. Normally he'd work, but his mind just wasn't in the game right now, and not for the reasons he had thought would keep him awake.

Tomorrow, he thought, he'd go to his own office. He employed a fulltime veterinarian, but he worked at his own clinic as well. Routine appointments would keep his mind off of it until he had a chance to sort things out.

For now he just felt like staring, which was exactly what he did. The moon was half-full. The sky was clear, and moonlight drifted down, illuminating the surroundings in a soft glow. It would be a good night for a hunt, if he felt like hunting. But sitting here being broody seemed enough for now.

Nikhila 17 years ago
A run, she'd needed a run. It always happened that way, just as Nikhila started to get settled she began to panic and wanted to flee. Usually that first instinct could be calmed with a good solid run, which is just what she'd been doing every night for the past few nights and it was having its effect. Tonight had been less frantic, she'd even chased a squirrel or three of course the pesky rodents were obnoxiously quick and she'd not caught a one of them, but she'd never had good luck with squirrels any way.

With that fire calmed she had changed back and was simply walking, enjoying the night. She had nearly made up her mind to go to bed when she saw a figure sitting on one of the benches. Even in the poor light of a half moon it would have been impossible to mistake Xeph. Her fist instinct was to go to him, but, she reminded herself, she no longer had that right.

Standing perfectly still for several long seconds Nikhila considered, concern easily won out and she altered her path to approach him. It was obvious, to her at least, that he was troubled. He was also a member of her Pack, granted the Alpha but still a member and beyond that a friend and her Gifter. It would have been impossible to leave him there.

Uncertain of what had brought on such a mood Nikhila deliberately made certain he heard her approach, but rather than say anything simply sat next to him. What ever was troubling him he would say in good time and if he didn't she could ask later.
Xeph 17 years ago
The soft scent of sandalwood betrayed Nikhila even before any sound reached Xeph's sensitive ears. He didn't turn, and he didn't really offer much of a greeting either, but Nikhila was Nikhila and she wouldn't necessarily need any of that.

At first he was about to ask what she was doing up at this hour; from what he recalled, Nikhila wasn't a terribly diehard night owl. He realized what it must be soon enough though, knowing her well enough to reach the conclusion on his own. She was a wanderer, his Gifted, and she'd been in one place for longer than usual now. There were bound to be some bumps in her road sooner or later.

The little "something" in the back of his head that never shut up told him that talking would take her mind off of her own troubles. Xeph hadn't been feeling particularly chatty, but Nikhila's need was every bit as great as his own, and even if she weren't particularly dear to him, he would have put a Pack member first.

"Great night for a run." The scent of wolf was fresh and crisp; the smells of the forest clung to her as well. "On four legs, or two... either way."
Nikhila 17 years ago
She was imposing, it was very probably that Xeph just wanted to be alone with his troubles, whatever they may be. It was unfair to take advantage of his desire to help his Pack and she was certain that's what he was doing just now, but if that was the only way to help Xeph so be it.

Brushing some errant hair behind her ear and smiling at the moon as she agreed.

"Four worked better tonight."Â?

The sense of movement, even if it was occasionally frantic and undirected was a great release. Now if she could just help Xeph find his own escape, however temporary.

"But you haven't taken advantage of the evening."Â?
Xeph 17 years ago
Xeph shook his head. "No, I wasn't exactly in the mood tonight."

There was a pregnant silence, and then he said, "My mother's here. I'm sure she'd love to see you tomorrow." It had been a very long time since Lily and Nikhila had met, and then under very different circumstances. They had gotten along well though, or would have, Xeph believed, if they had been able to speak freely with each other.

He raised his eyebrows then, as if an idea had just occurred to him, which, coincidentally, it had. "Are you free tomorrow?"
Nikhila 17 years ago
That was all the confirmation she needed that something was indeed wrong. He wasn't in the mood for a run? Nikhila frowned and looked at Xeph, studying her Alpha and Gifter trying to determine what exactly he needed just then. Unfortunately, she had never had his gift in that regard and couldn't ascertain any thing from his few words.

The news that his mother was there caught Nikhila completely by surprise. It wasn't something she had -ever- expected to hear. Recovering her initial surprise, she suspected that this news had something to do with his mood.

"Is she really? I'd very much like to see her again."Â?

Why would his mother come for a visit now? Perhaps something was wrong, or perhaps she just missed her son. Either way, with these ideas in mind she was able to check her initial reaction of offering her assistance with what ever was wrong. Instead, she would wait patiently for him. And apparently, she wouldn't have to wait long.

"Certainly, what ever I have can be rearranged without any trouble."Â?
Xeph 17 years ago
His minor distraction worked; Xeph had known Nikhila wouldn't say no to his request, and it might provide some much-needed entertainment elsewhere.

"We're going shopping tomorrow," Xeph said, then with a glace at his watch he corrected, "later today. The whole nine yards. Furniture, accessories, whatever else we can pack into a suite. I'm just the credit card holder. I think Mom would enjoy the company of another woman."

Slightly untrue; Xeph was more than well aware that he and Lily had plenty to catch up on even outside the news about Liam. Not only that, but he was fairly certain he'd have to argue with her until he was blue in the face to be consider the credit card provider. Having Nikhila along would be fun for both of them though, and Xeph wasn't too proud to admit he'd far rather listen to them talk furniture than to have to try to talk furniture himself.

And maybe the sense of permanence, of actually settling into a place, would say something to Nikhila as well. Xeph was willing to bet she hadn't owned a piece of furniture since he'd Gifted her.

"So how about it?"
Nikhila 17 years ago
It wasn't just a visit? That also was something of a surprise and Nikhila was more certain than ever that his mother's arrival had something to do with his mood. However, she just couldn't bring herself to push him.

Now, however, she was in a bit of a predicament, Nikhila had never owned a stick of furniture in her life and certainly never shopped for anything like that and so hadn't the faintest clue how one accomplished something like that.

"So she'll be staying her some time then?"Â?

Nikhila stalled for time while quietly hinting for clarification. It seemed odd they'd have to shop for everything. If Lily was moving she probably would have brought her own things and for a short visit she wouldn't have needed much.

Of course she would go. That wasn't the question, even though she was uncertain of what she'd bring to the expedition she'd be happy to go.

"Of course I'd like to come with you both."Â?

After a slight pause she gently prodded for information.

"I'm rather surprised you're not helping her get settled now. If she's just arrived."Â?
Xeph 17 years ago
Xeph gave Nikhila a wry smile. "She'll be staying indefinitely," he said. It was nice and vague, but vague wasn't necessarily what he was aiming for. Or maybe it was. How the hell did he know anymore?

He'd known Nikhila wouldn't turn him down. Her company would be a pleasant addition tomorrow, and once again he thought that just maybe if she took an interest in actually selecting furniture, it might help her become more at ease with settling in one place herself.

"Makes me sound like a heel, doesn't it?" He said agreeably enough when Nikhila asked about Lily's settling in. "Hammer's with her. They were good friends, before he left to head the Pack with me. They had some catching up to do, and I was a third wheel. Given that Hammer may be very busy in the near future, I thought it would be nobler to bow out and let them catch up. He'll get her settled in, show her around."

And by the way, Liam is dead.








It took a few minutes before he realized he'd said that last bit out loud.
Nikhila 17 years ago
She didn't understand his smile. It wasn't what she would call pleased and yet it seemed odd that his mother's arrival would be a source of concern or bitterness to him. If it were his father, that Nikhila would have understood and if one was traveling without the other undoubtedly there were issues and that could be the source of his mood. She nodded rather non-comitally.

"That will be nice I'm sure."Â?

A slight smile crossed his face when he agreed to being less than helpful settling his mother in.

"No, I'm sure it's not a terrible thing to let her have some space."Â?

Not knowing Lily all that well she couldn't say that her being close with the pack's Beta was a surprise or not. If anything it seemed out of character for what she knew of Hammer, but she didn't know terribly much about him either.

She'd just been about to inquire what might be keeping Hammer so busy when his last few words hit her. It was an interesting range of emotions and Nikhila wasn't quite sure what to make of any of them. Perhaps if she didn't share memories with Xeph she would have had less of a reaction, but even with those shared memories she was able to remain somewhat objective and focus on Xeph.

"I am sorry."Â?

Would he be sorry? She didn't know. Nikhila would understand if Xeph mourned his father and she would understand if he didn't. It was simple enough to conclude that he might be having some trouble deciding how he felt about this news.

"You just found out?"Â?

If he knew her at all, and there was little doubt of that, he knew that she was now waiting for any sort of queue or sign as to what Xeph needed to help him at this moment. He didn't seem to want her to leave, nor would she want to be left alone with such a shock. With out a conscious thought she lightly rested one of her hands on his. Just a soft reminder that she would offer any support she could regardless of how he chose to deal with things.
Xeph 17 years ago
"Mmmhmm." Xeph nodded at Nikhila. "You would think I'd have a more well-defined feeling on the topic," he suggested, "but I don't. Not yet."

Of all the people in the world, Nikhila would have an idea how he felt, Xeph realized. Her inherited memories of Liam would be the same as his, but she had Xeph's feelings as well. From the adoration of childhood, the tiny little copy of Liam who thought the Alpha could do no wrong, to the coming-of-age that had shown him the things he had overlooked as a youth, Nikhila would at least share the gist of the emotions.

From the time Xeph had been old enough to understand what the terms meant, he'd viewed his father as some sort of fallen icon, a tyrant, a dictator, at owrst, some sort of Hitler. Liam had dominated every aspect of his Pack, controlled every movement, and done his best, even to the point of estranging his own son, to treat the Pack humans as slaves.

But wthout Liam, Xeph might never have come into his own. It was because of his father that Xeph had found the strength to fight for his own beliefs. Someone had to take the side of the Illamar, and Xeph was well-aware that his father had considered him a traitor and a betrayer until the day he died.

Nikhila's hand on his brought his attention back to her and he managed a faint smile. "For all he was, and all he wasn't, he was still my father," Xeph said. "But for all that, I still can't manage to grieve. When did I become so cold?"
Nikhila 17 years ago
Both of her parents had passed and she'd also had issues relating to her father's death. However, she'd come to terms with it and found her own path. It had taken a great deal of time and thought. All the good memories, all the bad trying to weigh them and decide which meant more to her and how she should feel. And with that understanding, she certain she wouldn't pass judgment on his uncertainty just now.

"There is a lot that goes along with those feelings."Â?

Ultimately she had been able to mourn her father. She'd been able to forgive him for what he'd done to his children, to her. She'd understood that her father had been in pain and hadn't been able to deal with that. With Liam, things would be much, -much- more complicated.

She returned his smile very softly and faintly shook her head.

"You aren't cold. You just need some time. No one can expect you to come to any understanding of this immediately."Â?
Xeph 17 years ago
Xeph shook his head slowly. "It's not that," he said. "I'm not sure time will change anything at all. I just feel... detached. I don't feel like I've lost a father."

He turned to Nikhila, considering it, mulling it over for a little while. "I feel like I've been released."

Xeph didn't really bare his soul easily; that was all he said on the topic and really all he needed to say. Nikhila would understand, perhaps, the feeling that somewhere far away, there was no longer a cloud on Xeph's horizon. At the same time though, he would never have a chance to prove to the man he used to idolize that his views, his goals, were every bit as nboble and attainable as his father's had been.

There was nothing to say; if Liam had left Lily a message, any sort of sign of compassion, she wouldn't have withheld the knowledge from him. Xeph wanted to talk to her about it eventually, but not then. Lily would understand. She was safe and comfortable with Hammer and, much as Xeph longed to have her to himself for a chat, it would have to wait until he had a better grasp of this news.
Nikhila 17 years ago
Shared memories were a mixed blessing, for while she had inherited pieces of Xeph and his father she was still an outsider looking in when it came to the 'meat' of the emotion. She wasn't a mind reader nor a psychic after all but she felt she had some understanding of what he might be feeling.

And with those memories, even though she felt she might understand it was hard to make that presumption. To simply jump in and make a guess.

It was a complicated relationship they'd had. Both father and son had cared for each other but that had taken quite a turn. Still, she suspected that even with that drastic a turn that Xeph had completely abandon his father, that the were still a connection or the memory of a connection there. But how did one cope with that loss, adapt to it?

The trouble was it wasn't strictly a loss. There were things that he wouldn't mourn, nor should he. Still it wouldn't be right to celebrate.

"In some ways you have been. And with all that passed between you through the years I'm not sure that's wrong."Â?
Xeph 17 years ago
Xeph felt one half of his lips curl up in a sardonic smile. "Of all the things I expected to feel when this happened, I never expected it to be nothing at all."

Xeph often kept a cool exterior, but that didn't mean he felt nothing on the inside; on the contrary, he preferred emotion. It was a measure for him of self-control. This feeling nothing was disconcerting. There was nothing to regulate, nothing to rein in, nothing at all.

Oerhaps on some level, a vague disappointment that he would never measure up in Liam's eyes, but even that was quickly fading. Had it ever really been that important, or was that simply the mechanism that had spurred him to do what he'd done and become who he was now?

Shaking his head at Nikhila he said, "I don't think there's much I can do about it now, at any rate, is there?" The question had been rhetorical, so he just continued. "Our lives will all change now. Mine, and my mother's. Hammer's too. We all lived around my father. Even as I was taking control, and after, he was in mind. Everything we did had his scent on it."

He wondered briefly how it must feel for his mother, the one of them most affected by Liam's presence - and absence. She would grieve. She was too kind, too compassionate not to. She had loved Liam, even after psychosis had dominated and madness had driven a wedge between them.

"I hope they don't stop being friends," he said. "Liam was the one who brought them together. With him gone, I don't know."
Nikhila 17 years ago
Perhaps she should just let him vent, let him talk himself through this. Everything she should think of to say was hallow and trite. He wasn't raving, in fact he seemed very calm about the whole thing but in truth she'd rather he would run this off. It would be good to stretch to feel the earth, the land under his paws. Land that he'd found and secured for the Pack, to give them a strong and stable foundation.

It hurt her to hear how he phrased things. It almost sounded as if it wasn't good enough because it had some how evolved from his father and his father's madness. That simply wasn't true. It was possible she was misunderstanding him, but she simply couldn't let it pass.

"You have done great things and no matter where the ideas or inspiration started they are your deeds and that can't be taken from you. There is no need for this here to simply go away."Â? She gestured around them indicating the grounds and buildings. "The future is dependant on the past, all of the past good, bad and indifferent. And certainly no one who knows you, Hammer or your mother can think less of any of you or what you have accomplished knowing that it was often driven by your father. In some ways it is better because of that past."Â?

Nikhila actually had a certain amount of admiration for Lily saying with Liam though all of that. It couldn't have been easy choosing between husband and son. Although as she thought and Xeph again mentioned Hammer a few stray memories tugged at the back of her mind. They didn't seem to fit. She would have to think about them later though, now wasn't the time for that.

She squeezed his hand slightly, again attempting to reassure him.

"I'm certain they will remain close. I don't think two such loyal people would simply abandon each other."Â?
Xeph 17 years ago
Xeph shook his head and smiled at Nikhila. "You're right." He wasn't sure which bit he meant she was right about, but she could take it however she wanted. Besides, bringing his troubles up to her had been more about getting her mind off of her own; a quick night-time chat was pleasant, but not exactly the end-all of exorsizing his own demons.

Worrying about his mother and Hammer wouldn't really get him anywhere either. They were friends. He knew that much, and he should give them more credit than to think whatever bond they had could be severed that easily. Neither of them made friends quickly or lightly. Anything between them would hold.

Standing suddenly, he stretched. Time to stop being in a funk. Linking his fingers together behind his back he glanced slyly at Nikhila.

"You didn't catch the squirrel, did you."
Nikhila 17 years ago
Nikhila frowned at his blind agreement. Either she'd said the wrong thing, he wasn't listening or he just wasn't ready to hear it. All she could do was hope she hadn't done more harm than good, she would never knowingly harm any one especially not Xeph.

However, he stood and closed the subject and she wasn't one to push. 'I'll listen when you are ready.' She silently promised. Maybe she'd have a chance to talk to Lily as well, it might help to have his mother's support and insight into this.

Catching his sly look, she glowered playfully at him.

"I let it escape."Â? She said with as much nobility and self-sacrifice as she could manage. "Its almost spring it might have a nest of off spring to care for."Â?

He would know that she'd just failed to catch the damned thing. Rabbits, birds, groundhogs, most other small game and if she had help larger creatures such as deer, Nikhila could manage without much trouble. For some reason, however, squirrels were quite difficult for her.
Xeph 17 years ago
Xeph felt a short rumble of laughter rise from his chest. Nikhila sucked at squirrel-hunting. "Unpredictable little bastards," he said by way of agreement. "Still, it was kind of you to let it go." His smile took on the slightest air of malicious glee as he added, "There's always the chance it could lead us back to its nest."

He left that thought there, turning to Nikhila and giving a nod of his head to indicate the Long Run. "Too tired to finish the job?"

She hadn't caught anything; if fresh meat was what she'd been after, she'd still be hungry. Although the scent of game was all over her, there was no blood. Just animal and fear. Some critter was tucked safely away thanking its lucky stars but if Xeph had any say in the matter tonight, there would be a snack involved.

Moving out from the bench he'd been sitting on he waited to see if she'd come along. They had hunted together before, years ago. Perhaps she wouldn't mind doing so again now.
Nikhila 17 years ago
She blushed very faintly as he teased her. Of course he’d know she had simply missed, but as silly as she currently felt about it, it was good to have him tease her. That was a good sign, it wasn’t like Xeph to brood for long. Although she still thought he’d need some time and support that could wait until he was more ready to deal with it.

Besides running often helped her deal with things, perhaps it would help him as well. That and, she really wouldn’t mind having something to munch on. Standing she moved to follow him.

“A midnight snack sounds like an excellent idea.”
Xeph 17 years ago
Xeph had long since forgotten how to be shy around his own Gifted, but that didn't mean he needed any midnight strollers around the Tikerak to see him buck-naked. He tipped his head to Nikhila, once more giving her the silent indication to follow. Once safely out of sight behind the storage shed, he lost no time in shedding his clothing and giving in to the feral side of him, the one that smelled prey on Nikhila and wanted to go hunt it down.

Very shortly a hulking black wolf stood on four paws where Xeph's feet had been. Nikhila wouldn't be far behind, so he trotted away from the shed and lowered his nose to the ground, sifting through the tantalizing array of scents for a fresh one. Finding nothing intriguing, he waited for his Gifted before taking off, tail flat out behind him, ears pressed back, and tongue flapping, for the Long Run.