After the Call (private)

Thaddeus hung up (or, rather, turned off and closed) his phone with a residual smile, glad to have spoken to Palmer even if the conversation had worried his friend. His smile faded at that thought – what kind of friend was self centered enough to be perfectly fine with upsetting them as long as they got what they needed out of the friendship?

Sighing, he realized he was overreacting, a sign that he needed some perspective. And that was what was waiting for him on the other side of the door – a whole boatload of perspective.

He had the childish urge to hide under the desk until everything went back to normal, but shook off that highly undignified thought and opened the door with more resolve than he would have expected. He sincerely wished he wasn’t terribly nervous to be talking to the person he was, for heaven’s sake, -bonded- to, but he could only tell himself to relax so many times before he decided he simply had to push through this and carry on by force of will if necessary. People didn’t always get to be in their depth, much less their element.

He returned to the living room to see Alfarinn seated comfortably on the couch, long legs taking up a fair amount of floor space. Oddly, he found himself hovering in the doorway, uncertain of where to sit. The thought occurred to him that there might have been a time he would have felt perfectly comfortable walking across the room and sliding into Alfarinn’s lap, tucking his head under the Evenhet’s chin or burying his face in that pale neck. Or perhaps normally he would sit on the floor, winding an arm around one long leg and resting his chin on Alfarinn’s knee.

Giving himself a violent mental shake, he snapped out of his daydreaming and strode across the room to sit on the couch opposite Alfarinn, thinking that would be best for conversation.

His own thoughts had thrown him; it was so unlike him to think that way, or at least to lose himself to that extent when he should be focused on something else, and he wondered if he might be remembering something…but this didn’t feel like memory. Instinct? Habit? He wasn’t certain. Some more rational part of him reasoned that this was all perfectly normal under the circumstances; he was attracted to Alfarinn, it was as simple as that. Another part of him, though, didn’t think anything about this situation could be described as normal or simple, so that line of thought left him empty handed.

In and amongst such thoughts, along with the lingering regret that he hadn’t just sat next to Alfarinn like he wanted to, he did manage a few spoken words.

“Palmer will be by the apartment tomorrow.” He bit down on his lower lip, then continued. “There are…quite a few things going through my mind but as you have the full picture I would imagine you know where best to start.”

Alfarinn felt Thaddeus enter and sit down on the far end of the couch from him. He barely managed to keep the small frown of disappointment from his face but he knew that he shouldn't have expected anything else. Opening his eyes, he turned slightly in order to be able to better speak between them. His personal opinion was that they conversed perfectly well entwined together in a bed. Such thoughts though were truly unhelpful at the moment.

He nodded in acknowledgment of Palmer's scheduled arrival. They might need everyone present tomorrow night to explain this new development and discuss practically the complications it would entail. First though, Alfarinn needed to give Thaddeus a lot of bad news. He was not sure he'd be able to go through with it knowing how much each revelation hurt the first time.

Thaddeus was waiting for him and he had to say something. Taking a sip of his drink, he organized his thoughts and willed himself to move forward.

"Let me start by explaining how we came to meet for the first time. I received a letter for a Nightsman requesting a meeting in the Antique Weapons exhibit of the Arch. "

He smiled remembering that first sight of Thaddeus standing so calm and collected in front of the cases of weapons. His face became serious once more and he continued quietly.

"This particular Anantya all but accused me and my clan of being involved in the murder of his Creator. However the known details were sorted out fairly quickly."Â?

Alfarinn set his drink down on the table and moved forward until he was right next to Thaddeus. Placing his arm on the back of the couch behind his companion, He gave him a half smile of apology and dipped long fingers under his companion's collar only far enough in to pull out the red cord that hung on Thaddeus' neck. Sliding his hand gently along the back of the necklace, Alfarinn stretched it out in front of his companion so that they both could see the turtle and the ring that was held at the end.

Looking sadly from the ring to Thaddeus, he said.

"Mai found it and brought it to you. Emma and I had been in Bulgaria but neither of us found the artifact we were looking for. I went home and she stayed."Â?

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before placing the arm back on the couch. Realizing that he was very much in his companion's space, Alfarinn carefully let go of the necklace but couldn't quite bring himself to move away just yet.

"We worked together, you and I. We are both psychometrists and our combined knowledge gave us a lead."Â?

Pausing there, Alfarinn watched his companion and waited for him to take in that information. He longed to pull Thaddeus into his arms and feel his lover's comforting weight against his chest. It was hard enough having to be the one to explain these things to an unknowing Thaddeus but it was killing him to have to do it without being able to offer some measure of support and security.

Thaddeus raised his eyebrows slightly as Alfarinn began to explain, though he thought they might have disappeared behind his long hair as the story went on. What on earth could have possessed him to meet with an Elder of Evenhet and accuse him of…

The emotions that welled up at the mention of Emma were enough to answer that unfinished question. He had never quite been rational where she was concerned and if there had been the slightest evidence that could point him to her killer, he would go through unimaginable risks to see it through. It hardly seemed fair to inwardly lecture himself on good decision making practices when he was certain he had done the best he could at the time with the information he had.

Just as he wondered what it was that had inspired him to do such a foolish and dangerous thing, Alfarinn moved closer. Quite close, in fact; he felt his eyes widen slightly and he went very still when his companion reached out and slipped his fingers under his collar. Being unaccustomed to this familiarity, everything felt magnified, oversensitive. Fingers brushing his skin, the gentle tug of the cord wrapped around his neck, the slight shift of his shirt; it was all so surprising and vivid. The motion seemed so effortless and natural for Alfarinn, as though the Evenhet was quite used to touching him whenever he wanted or needed to. And, he supposed, Alfarinn was. Wouldn’t he be? Didn’t that make sense? Even so, for Thaddeus this was an interesting, and not unpleasant, concept. There was a sense of belonging that came with that simple gesture, a sense that was in some way too large for him to wrap his mind around.

He had to break his gaze very deliberately to look down at what was attached to the end of the cord; he hadn’t taken his eyes from Alfarinn’s face. His brow creased in a frown at what he saw; he was beginning to wonder what other answers might be found on his person.

Reaching out with one hand, he took the turtle between his fingers, allowing the ring to rest on the taut cord when Alfarinn let go. He tilted his head to one side, not unlike a bird examining something shiny, then rested both items back on his chest, outside of his shirt this time.

His thoughts felt so slow, as though he were pushing them through molasses. He looked straight ahead, at nothing in particular, eyes unfocused. After all this time…a lead to Emma’s killer. Why now? How had Mai found the ring; had she been searching diligently long after everyone else seemed to give up? Or did this all happen by chance?

He turned his head, too sharply, when Alfarinn explained that he was also a psychometrist. Thinking of chance…now that was quite a coincidence. So they had worked together on this lead, and fallen for each other somewhere in the process?

Alfarinn was still quite close – he could reach out and place a hand on one thigh, could lean over and rest his head on an admittedly inviting shoulder. The Evenhet’s assurances that he would not abandon him came to mind. He could only imagine what an unbelievable wreck he must have been, with Emma brought to the surface. He’d confronted, and he still couldn’t quite believe this, an –Elder of Evenhet-. He must have been half out of his mind, and yet in spite of all that Alfarinn had accepted him and they had worked together, had become…something more along the way.

Realizing he was looking to Alfarinn with almost studious intensity, his expression somewhere between curiosity and incredulity, he quickly looked down, studying his hands for a moment before moving to take off his gloves. There was something so unreal about all of this and he was hoping for some measure of tangibility, he supposed; needing to touch and sense in order for this all to feel true.

How was it that he could remember every detail of the moment he had passed through the trellised archway, as vividly as though it had happened a week ago, and yet recall nothing of tracking down her killer? He could only assume that this had happened to him because he’d aggravated the wrong person in their investigation – someone was hurt by the truth and didn’t much care for it. And that was, perhaps, his failing; Thaddeus had always placed such importance on knowing the truth, though most of the time it seemed to bring him little happiness. Even now, he wanted the rest of it, even keeping in mind what Alfarinn had said about not wanting this all at once, he felt he –had- to know.

His gloves were off and he made to put them in his pocket, but then he caught a metallic glint on his left thumb and paused mid motion. A second later, before he had even fully considered the implications, he was wrapping his fingers around his thumb, sensing. He went still again, though at what he sensed; something cool and smooth and surprisingly soft ghosted over his fingertips as he ran them over the ring. He gave Alfarinn a look of what could only be described as extreme interest, his eyes flickering to first one pale hand, then the other, wondering if his companion wore something similar, and found that he was disappointed to see his partner’s fingers bare. The thought that he had neglected to get his partner a ring made him curiously sad, both because it might have been an assuring sight right about now and because it made him wonder what sort of terrible boyfriend he was.

Feeling once again completely out of his depth, he finished putting his gloves away and, as he had absolutely no idea of what he might say right now, he followed through with his original plan, wrapping his bare hand around the red stoned ring on the cord.

He knew without a doubt that this was Emma’s ring; he didn’t need his senses to put that together but they told him quite clearly nonetheless. His hand went tighter and he closed his eyes as sensations and images passed over him. How long had this ring been close to him? He could sense himself, which was oddly disconcerting, and at one point he even saw himself, face dirty and scratched, looking down at something in the palm of his hand. Then someone else, a flash of a hand too quick to place, the rhythmic bouncing against a man’s thigh as he walked. And then for a long moment there was nothing at all, and he frowned a little until he realized the nothing was significant in its own way and really focused enough to realize the ring was inside something, a box perhaps, put away from all contact for years and years.

Then he felt something warm washing over the ring, and realized, too late to avoid experiencing a flash of violent fear, that it was blood, her blood, and he let the ring fall through his fingers to land on his chest, thinking he didn’t need to see any more right this moment, not while he was in company, regardless of the fact that they had, according to Alfarinn, sensed together. He still brushed his fingers over the turtle, though, his expression softening a little when he realized that, while he had left a slight trace on the jade pendant and perhaps others had come into contact with it, this was truly Mai’s.

Realizing he had fallen quiet for a disproportionately long period of time and Alfarinn was probably beginning to wonder if his attacker hadn’t scrambled his brain a little along with wiping his memories, he turned once again to regard his companion with an entirely serious and not a little sad expression, slipping the two items back under his shirt as he spoke.

“I see.” A pause. “Did we find him?”

Alfarinn could feel Thaddeus watching him as he pulled out the cord that hung around his neck. It was strange to have this all seem so undiscovered between them. He was finding that a part of him was reacting to this 'new' Thaddeus naturally as someone that he felt a connection to but who was different. There was a need to start something new between them.

Still, he stayed were he was, not wanting to back away to the other end of the couch when there was more uncomfortable news still to come. He watched as his companion slid his fingers over the ring that he had given when he pledged himself to Thaddeus and offered the bond between them. A small smile tugged at his mouth as he remembered that night but Alfarinn continued to watch the man in front of him. He saw the glance at his own hands and gathered that there was a question silently being asked.

"It was something of a surprise. I am glad that you took it so well."Â?

Perhaps though some further confirmation would be helpful to say that there was indeed feelings in both directions. As if the bond weren't evidence enough... The connection was not a visible, tangible object that proclaimed their relationship. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the silver pocket watch that had become a treasured reminder of his companion. Its weight could be felt as he walked and its smooth surface held so many wonderful memories; it was one of the last things he took off at night and its position on the nightstand made it one of the first things he saw in the morning...other than Thaddeus himself. Alfarinn held it in his outstretched palm so that Thaddeus could see it.

"It is very dear to me. Much like its gifter."Â?

He waited at Thaddeus touched the ring and the turtle. His first thought had been to caution against touching something that would bring back such difficult memories but he knew his companion. Thaddeus would need to know and so Alfarinn felt it was best to keep silent. He would rather be there even if Thaddeus was not likely to turn to him for support than to have his partner relive such things alone.

He knew the question that would come next and answered it in an even tone.

"Yes, and no."Â?

Further explanation was unfortunately necessary. He felt that he should be honest but there were some things that could be added with time as Thaddeus asked for more information. He did not want to overload his companion with the gruesome details they had uncovered in a year's time by giving them to him all at once.

"The murderer was confronted and killed but he was hired by another. This other is the one that we have spent time hunting for of late. The murderer was sent after both of us as well. I believe that the accomplice was very surprised that we survived the encounter."Â?

Alfarinn smiled again sadly at Thaddeus.

"That might better explain the situation we currently find ourselves in."Â?

Thaddeus gave a slightly embarrassed smile when Alfarinn explained, with no prompting on his part, why he wore a ring and his companion didn’t. He supposed even if he hadn’t asked, he’d certainly made his question obvious. He still didn’t feel that explanation excused anything on his part and he wondered why on earth Alfarinn thought he would take it badly. Well, he supposed he wouldn’t put it past him to not respond well to a symbol of commitment, but why the Evenhet would put up with such behavior was beyond him.

The sight of the watch Alfarinn pulled out of his pocket, though, silenced his rambling mind, and he simply stared at the round silver contraption for a long moment. This he could remember – his father’s watch, a wedding present from his mother, that had been passed down to him. Something meant to be given to…someone you loved. It was both strange and heartwarming to see it in Alfarinn’s hand.

He realized that he was smiling – not grinning or smirking but actually smiling, teeth and all – and he gave himself a mental shake, firmly telling himself to stop gaping and hoping he didn’t look like a total idiot.

Even so, that firm talking-to only reduced his expression from a smile to a grin; he was just too pleased with the idea that perhaps, after all, he had the faintest clue as to how to be a good partner. There was a bittersweet edge to his thoughts, though; he wished he could remember just one thing, one moment, even if he realized the futility of such wishes. Still, there was something irrepressibly good about seeing that watch, and hearing what it meant to Alfarinn.

He reached out, very tentatively, and folded his fingers over Alfarinn’s, closing them overtop of the watch. It was not until that task was complete that he looked up and spoke, very softly.

“I’m glad.”

Well, he thought, that much and more was probably obvious but he’d felt the need to make it clear that the gift still meant something. After the fact, though, when he realized his warm hand was still covering Alfarinn’s cool one, he wondered vaguely if that gesture was only going to make things more complicated and confusing as they tried to reconcile their past with their present. Releasing the hand, he decided it would likely be best to focus on Alfarinn’s accounting of the past year and a half.

He paled a little when Alfarinn explained that Emma’s killer had been sent after them and wondered if his companion wasn’t being a little deliberately vague on the finer points of that encounter. Were they the ones to confront and kill him, or had they merely escaped with their lives? Where were they in their hunt for an accomplice? It would seem they were in grave danger if a killer had been sent after them and his mind had been attacked. He sighed in frustration and asked the question that was most predominate in his mind.

“I get the impression we aren’t the only ones involved in this. I can’t imagine not telling Mai, and I would gather that Palmer knows at least some of what’s happening? I’d just like to know that everyone is alright…”

He sincerely hoped Alfarinn’s general explanations were not an attempt to soften some terrible blow – that someone had been hurt or killed as a result of this investigation – but he wouldn’t be able to let the worry go until Alfarinn told him one way or another. Perhaps it was far more likely that his partner was simply trying to explain a great deal of information in a short amount of time, but an awful lot of unlikely things had happened tonight.

Alfarinn was relieved to see the smile on his companion's face. He was not sure how Thaddeus would feel about a strange man, who displayed every evidence of being his boyfriend, having something that was a treasured family heirloom in his possession. The relief and good will that he sensed were unexpected but very much appreciated and Alfarinn smiled genuinely for the first time since finding out that Thaddeus had lost his memories.

He looked down at the hand that covered his own, feeling warmed and comforted by its presence. Quickly though, Alfarinn turned his attention to Thaddeus's face, watching his companion even as the hand lingered for a bit longer on his. There was hope for them even if things could not be righted. He pushed that thought savagely aside; things would -would- be righted...one way or another.

Settling back into the discussion, Alfarinn agreed and explained.

"Mai and Morrigan both know of our pursuit. Palmer, Christian, my friend and Chief of Evenhet Security, Claire, Sorin's Child and a member of the Order of the Night, and Simon of Tacharan knows some of this as well.

In our search for the murderer, we were approached by Simon. It would seem that the killer, Lykaios, has agreed to perform a function for the Tacharan in exchange for the ring that you wear. Ellis, of Tacharan, knew that Mai had picked up a ring in the sewers and through an extraordinarily lucky leap of logic figured that this ring must be the one that Lykaios wanted. Simon came to us in order to make a deal for it. We placed a tracking device underneath it and gave it to the Tacharan in order to be given to Lykaios."Â?

He sighed, knowing that Thaddeus was probably now wondering just why they would risk this treasure of Emma's by giving it, not only to the Tacharan, but also to a killer. More importantly, Alfarinn was certain his companion was wondering why Lykaios would want it.

Placing the watch back into his pocket, Alfarinn reached carefully for Thaddeus' hand.

"Indulge me, please. There are some things that are hard for me to tell you."Â?

He looked down at the hand in his for a moment, gently entwining their fingers together before beginning again.

"Lykaios felt the ring should belong to him as a birth right. He was the oldest child of Emma."Â?

Alfarinn watched Thaddeus as he spoke, knowing the pain this was all going to cause his Beloved and feeling that the least he could do was look Thaddeus in the eyes as he did so.

((OOC: I think he'll stop there and let that sink in before continuing on because I'm sure that would have been reacted to. ))

Thaddeus’s brow furrowed slightly as more and more people were added to the list of those in the know. Was the Butler included as well? He could see they’d done a –wonderful- job of containing this...

…but it didn’t do any good to question his own judgment, especially considering he didn’t have all the facts. He had to trust that all of those people, some of whom he knew and trusted and others he knew not at all, -needed- to know. Even so, it galled him enough that he barely noticed in anything more than a passing way that Sorin was left conspicuously off the list. Mai and Morrigan knew…well, perhaps Alfarinn had forgotten to mention him. Or perhaps he simply wasn’t involved; Sorin was not particularly fond of Evenhet and a joint operation would hardly be his cup of tea.

Really it was this Simon who bothered him most of all, though Alfarinn soon detailed the Tacharan’s involvement. Still, there was so much in that accounting that didn’t make sense; was Lykaios trying to steal the ring to bait him, or did he want it for himself? Why would Simon involve them at all? Did they part on good terms with Tacharan? Was either party in the other’s debt? Could a Tacharan have done this to him?

Alfarinn seemed to sense the many questions running through his mind and stilled them all with a touch. He was supposed to trust this man and that being the case he should be patient and let his partner tell things in his own way. It was hard to help growing more tense, though, as their fingers twined together and the moment grew weightier.

His frown grew when Alfarinn explained Lykaios’s motivation, not fully comprehending at first. Emma didn’t…she’d never told him…

Her own child had murdered her. What sort of twisted, horrible being could do such a thing? An overwhelming sadness washed over him at the thought, followed shortly after by a wave of anger. He could never have conceived of something so monstrous, and that it had happened to a good and noble woman made it all the worse. To Thaddeus there was nothing more sacred than family, whether by blood or bond, and this sort of betrayal was the worst he could imagine.

And yet, wasn’t that exactly what he had done, by killing, directly or indirectly, his brother?

Realizing that he was staring at Alfarinn in something like astonishment, and had been for several moments, he looked down at their entwined fingers instead. A part of him wanted to pull away, to curl up somewhere and just be alone. He felt numb now, disconnected, so much so that he barely recognized that it was his hand wrapped up in Alfarinn’s on the couch. He would have liked to run a bath and stare at the walls until he came back to his senses, but of course there was no time to indulge in such nonsense. However much this truth shocked and hurt him, it was in his past and there was a present to be concerned with.

He turned to one side and passed his free hand over his face, trying to clear his mind before looking back to Alfarinn.

“Did we speak at all? Lykaios and I?”

Had they ever been able to make any sort of sense out of what was by nature a senseless act? Or had they simply put an end to his brother, delivering the only justice they could? He was surprised to realize that the idea of killing Lykaios, Emma’s oldest child, the one person in this world he could share that connection with…didn’t disturb him as much as it probably should. His key regret, in fact, was that he had forgotten the incident and would never have another chance to end Emma’s murderer. He wasn’t sure what that said about him.

He squeezed the fingers in his hand, just slightly, hoping to stay in the present and push away dark thoughts with the feel of a cool hand.

He knew the anticipation must be getting to Thaddeus. Alfarinn could imagine his own assertations if the situation had been reversed. Tell me everything; I can take it. It was true for his companion; Thaddeus had been through it once and it was within his ability to do so again. Still many months had gone by as they reached the revelations in this puzzle. There had been good times in between to buoy the bad.

Alfarinn watched their hands as he let this portion of the tale sink in. It was perhaps not even the worst of it and yet it was heart wrenching to have to retell it to a blissfully unaware Thaddeus. At his lover's question, Alfarinn looked up.

"Thaddeus, He was beyond hope. Angry and bitter that he had been turned against his will."Â?

Alfarinn was quick to explain.

"Emma had created him to save his life. She had no chance to ask him whether he would want it or not. It was a decision based on love...but Lykaios had no chance to understand and all he could see was that the peace of the afterlife had been denied to him. He blamed her and all of our kind for that theft."Â?

Morrigan had relayed that much of the tale to them. With a sigh, Alfarinn continued to explain.

"No, I do not recall much being spoken between you two. I was... a bit... preoccupied at the time. I might have missed something."Â?

Alfarinn's free hand moved to touch his neck but he caught the absent gesture and rested it once more on the couch.

"We used the ring as a lure to track him down . It was guessed that he was hunting you and he was. He had been given a set of your gloves in order to track you down."Â?

He squeezed the hand in his slightly to calm the anger that rose with the reminder that Sorin had given Lykaios the means to find his companion.

"He knew we were coming and he was ready for us. He was a savage savant. With him were three wolves."Â?

Shrugging,Alfarinn summed up the encounter.

"We were both very busy. Aside from taunts nothing of much value was verbally exchanged. Save your command."Â?

He smiled gently at Thaddeus.

"You saved my life with it."Â?

Had he thanked Thaddeus for that? He could not remember. Neither of them had faired well through the fight but they had both survived. And that was all that mattered. Afarinn brought the hand up to his lips and gave it a gentle kiss.

"Thank you."Â?

Thaddeus studied their two hands as Alfarinn explained Lykaios’s disposition toward bitterness and anger, nodding in a resigned fashion; he supposed he expected that, and ultimately it probably didn’t matter if they had spoken or not. He was, however, more amazed than ever at Emma; that she had turned him in spite of her terrible past experiences spoke volumes about her capacity for hope and goodness in this world, and ending her life seemed, if possible, all the worse.

Deciding that if he continued thinking about that just now things were likely to get emotional, he swallowed back the lump in his throat and tried to focus as Alfarinn went on. His eyes darted to Alfarinn’s hand at the sight of movement; he thought for a moment that his partner was going to touch him, as he had in the lobby before he learned that Thaddeus no longer remembered him. It would seem that he was wrong on that count, though.

It was hard not to second guess his clearly insane plan in hindsight, such as it was, but he could once again only assume that he had done the best he could with the information he had. Even so both eyebrows went up at the mention of the three wolves and his foot gave a little twitch. So in addition to a half mad vampire, they had battled dangerous predators that obeyed said mad vampire’s command.

He had a feeling that ‘very busy’ was a gross understatement; it would have been amusing under other circumstances, he suspected, as he had been told he had a similar penchant for irony. Perhaps they made a good match in that regard.

It wasn’t until Alfarinn explained that a command had saved his life, though, that he truly grasped just how grave of danger they were in. He returned his partner’s soft smile with a creased forehead, a bit unnerved at the idea of the two of them going into such a perilous situation. His brow did smooth a little at the kiss to his hand and the softly spoken thanks, but now he was torn between melting at that tender gesture and simply breaking down at the openness of it. Before he could talk himself out of it, he found himself reaching out with his free hand to lightly graze Alfarinn’s cheek with his fingertips, not certain if that touch was protective or affectionate, confused or secure. Perhaps it was all of those things.

Lingering for a moment with his hand almost, but not quite, cupping Alfarinn’s face, he spoke quietly, almost a whisper.

“I’m beginning to think I didn’t take very good care of you at all.”

Shaking his head, he pulled his hand away and looked down again, his nerve giving out. For half a moment, he had entertained the idea of leaning forward, just a little, his eyes falling closed just as their lips touched...but that thought brought with it a wave of nervousness strong enough to make him pull back altogether. Instead, he went on, in his quiet way, though perhaps a little more flustered now.

“Thank you, for telling me this. I know it must be…” He trailed off, uncertain of how to finish that thought and realizing that really, he had no words to adequately describe what this must be like for Alfarinn. “…well, I appreciate that this must be difficult.”

Swallowing and looking away again, he thought over this newest information for a moment, taking in the facts now that he had had a little time to process the emotional aspect. Once he could more objectively evaluate matters he realized his next relevant question, but on the heels of realizing what a strain this must be for Alfarinn, he hardly had the heart to ask it. Or perhaps he didn’t have the heart to know the answer just yet; he wasn’t certain.

“Do you need another drink?”

He didn’t realize what an odd thing that was for him to say until he’d said it, and hoped his question didn’t get taken the wrong way. Feeling more awkward than ever, he waved his hand, wanting to explain.

“I thought perhaps a break might be in order.”

Alfarinn was startled and pleased by the hand that reached gently towards him and brushed his cheek. He held very still as though he might frighten Thaddeus away if he dared to move. It was strange to not automatically lean into that touch and it made his heart ache to remain motionless.

His lover's words caused him to turn. The spell might have been broken before he moved and Thaddeus seemed to have decided against any further contact with him but Alfarinn could kick himself for ruining that small moment. The words though were sad and so very like his companion who seemed to be the person who least understood what a wonder he truly was.

"Thaddeus, there is no way that I would have let you go anywhere near Lykaios alone and quite frankly there was very little you could do to stop me from hunting down the man who wanted to see you dead. We had come to the agreement that we were in this together before the confrontation."Â?

He reached out with his other hand and echoed the gesture that Thaddeus had just shown him, running his thumb gently along one angled cheek bone.

"You take wonderful care of me, Thaddeus Grey. I've never felt so cherished in all my years."Â?

Nodding, Alfarinn shrugged slightly, leaning back as he did so.

"It is only seeing you go through it again."Â?

He waited in silence while Thaddeus considered what he had been told, assuming more questions and clarifications would be coming in short order. The question that he received was completely not what he expected and Alfarinn blinked once or twice before looking down at his half finished scotch.

"Oh, I....shouldn't."Â?

Sighing, he stood and arched backwards in a stretch before smiling down at his companion.

"Perhaps a break would be a good idea. Is there anything you would like to do?"Â?

Thaddeus actually felt a little chastened by Alfarinn's adamant reply; apparently he had inadvertently brought up an already-resolved discussion. This accountability wasn't something he was used to, but he supposed he had grown accustomed to it at one point and could probably do so again. There were certainly worse things than being so fiercely cared about. He looked up, making eye contact, and spoke gently.

“Alright...”

He didn't make it any further than that; a cool hand had reached up to touch his cheek in return, reminding him that Alfarinn meant his rather serious words in the most sincere and affectionate of ways. He felt his cheeks go warm but couldn't see pulling away to hide the fact that he was blushing; he imagined his partner would be used to his shyness. The idea that Alfarinn had likely seen him blushing, and sad, and happy…really the whole spectrum…was both unnerving and assuring.

His companion pulled away before any more could come of that moment, though he left resounding words in the wake of his touch. More than ever it seemed to Thaddeus that this man deserved so much better than this terrible situation; the bittersweetness of being cherished only to be robbed of that, and the reminder that Alfarinn had gone through all these dark moments once before, rendered him speechless.

He bit down on his lower lip, wondering if he had offended with his question, but Alfarinn seemed to brush it off and he thought perhaps he was simply worrying about too many things after all. Blinking a little and finding it suddenly hard to concentrate with Alfarinn stretching like that, he quickly recovered himself once his companion's question had been properly processed, though he couldn’t help but think that he must have been -very- good indeed to deserve the man in front of him.

“Perhaps you'd care to give me the tour?”

That seemed reasonable, at least in his mind; if he was going to stay the day here it might help to know where important things like the shower were, and he couldn't imagine the conversation would get too terribly weighty. On the other hand, it might serve as a reminder of his…condition, a thought he only considered, unfortunately, after he had asked the question.

/ooc geez, he about killed me with that request. Poor guy doesn't know the last 'tour' he got of this place was a straight shot from the door to the bed where he got nailed senseless :X

Alfarinn paused at Thaddeus' words, his arms slowly returning to his sides. The off handed mention of giving a tour brought the memory of his companion's first time to his suite vividly to mind. He felt a strong stab of lust,remembering their hurried ardor and frenzied enjoyment of one another. It passed quickly into pain and then embarrassment as he realized that Thaddeus would feel everything he just felt and not know why his words had caused such a reaction.

So long as they were close like this Thaddeus was going to get the full force effect of his feelings. It might be better if they were separated. His heart rebelled at the thought and he viciously repressed the fear and loss that it brought to mind. He firmly told himself that this state was only temporary. If it were permanent then they would need to decide how to spend the rest of their lives but it was not and right now they still had more important concerns.

Smiling sheepishly, he turned and held out his hand.

"I'm sorry. Of course I can show you around."Â?

Determined to look anywhere but the stairs leading to his bedroom loft, his gaze fell on the windows. Dawn was nearly here and he really did not think they had time for a tour outside but they could take a look before the timer brought the slides down.

Thaddeus found himself studying the floor shortly after making his request, feeling that his glimpse of Alfarinn, stretched and smiling, had effected him more than was decent. He supposed he should be pleased; the attraction was certainly there, strongly, and the idea that they connected on a level more basic than the intellectual was intriguing to say the least.

He just wasn’t used to feeling this way.

And no sooner did that wave of attraction wash over him than it was pulled away and replaced with a nearly visceral sadness. Feeling this intensely seemed so foreign to Thaddeus, who had always thought himself so self contained, so measured and controlled, and he wondered where along the lines he had changed so vastly that he barely recognized his own emotions.

His head lifted of its own accord, his brow slightly furrowed, when he realized what was happening. He had no point of reference to imagine what bonding was like; on an intellectual level he had thought he understood, but truly he was only now beginning to appreciate what it meant to be so fully connected to another person. He could feel what Alfarinn felt; no, he –was- feeling what his companion felt, the emotions blending together in his mind until he could no longer distinguish his own heart from that of his partner’s.

It must, he thought, have been nothing short of amazing.

Was Alfarinn thinking of their connection now, or was he simply apologizing for an awkward pause? Or, he thought dryly, perhaps Alfarinn was apologizing for being the cause of considerable attraction; after all, surely he had noticed Thaddeus looking at him, and even if he didn’t he must have felt it.

He gave his companion an artless smile, not really knowing what to say.

“This is a lot to take in,” he said, gently.

Oh, brilliant, state the obvious. The feelings were all there but their reasons were a mystery. Lord, were they really any further ahead for being bonded?

Without thinking, he accepted the offered hand, not recognizing how surprisingly natural, almost expected, that motion had been until he was halfway off the couch. Once he was thinking about it, though, the gesture suddenly felt awkward to him. He was torn for a moment, tempted to hold on, but, uncertain now, he gave a squeeze of thanks and let go when he was on his feet.

Had he just remembered something?

No, he decided; that was physical habit, something his body was used to doing even if his mind no longer recalled it.

What else might his body remember?

-That- thought was enough to turn his ears red. Great, now he was making –himself- blush. Alfarinn must think he was a complete head case.

Well, the whole memory loss experience would probably lead anyone to that conclusion. Maybe he really was mad.

Rather upset by that thought, he followed Alfarinn to the window, trying to lose himself in the admittedly impressive view of the city below. It was nearing twilight now, he realized. He had lost over a year of his life, but what bothered him at the moment was losing this night. He –felt- as though he had been awake for quite some time but he didn’t remember anything beyond the past few hours. Yet he was tired. And suddenly he wanted a shower, and to rest his head on Alfarinn’s shoulder and not think about Emma’s murder or this Lykaios or anyone else who was trying to hurt him.

Was –that- a memory, leaning on Alfarinn’s shoulder? No – just a wish.

“It’s quite stunning,” he said, just to get away from his own thoughts. “You can see everything.”

They had an apartment in the city, he knew, and he wondered if it was as nice as Alfarinn’s penthouse suite. He could imagine trying to set up something similar, with all the comforts and luxuries a home should have. He thought to ask but, not quite knowing how to frame the question, fell silent, looking out onto the city below.

Alfarinn tried not to notice the hand that released his grip. Why had he assumed that Thaddeus would have continued to hold it? His feelings were influencing his partner's and that was not fair to Thaddeus' free will. Waring with himself as he stood staring out at the city below them, Alfarinn sighed and agreed.

"It does seem that way, doesn't it?"Â?

He hadn't seen this coming and he should have. Somehow Sorin had gotten to Thaddeus but he was not certain of when. It had to have been at the party that they had attended. He should never have let Thaddeus go when he knew that Sorin was going to be there. Was that not the whole reason why Claire and Palmer had left early? Thaddeus would not have stayed home while his friends were risking themselves and neither would he. He should have kept a better watch over Thaddeus and never left his side. This was his fault.

Still it was useless acknowledging that now. What was done was done. If Sorin had used his abilities to make Thaddeus forget then it was only a matter of time before it was repaired. In fact, perhaps they should go to see Morrigan the very next night. He remembered then that Palmer and the others were meeting at the apartment tomorrow in order to hear the latest news and to plan what to do next. Going back to the Manor was not wise in any case. They needed to stay as far away from Sorin until he was captured as they possibly could.

Alfarinn concluded rather quickly that he would prefer a Thaddeus that was alive but did not remember him to one that did but who...the rest was unthinkable. He could consider how best to get in touch with Morrigan later.

In the meantime he should do his best to give his companion as much privacy as he possibly could considering their situation. Turning to Thaddeus, he said quietly.

"I will do my best to block out my emotions. I know that there are enough surprises for you right now without the added stress of my feelings. Know though that I do care about you and I'll be here."Â?

He closed his eyes a moment and concentrated on extending the subterfuge that for him, like his empathy, was always active around even the deepest part of his mind. The portion that until now Thaddeus had access to like no other. He wondered briefly if Thaddeus would normally be able to break through his defenses and thought that the wall seemed such a slim and tenuous barrier that it was very likely. It didn't matter really; all Thaddeus would have to do is reach out for him and Alfarinn would have dropped it like a stone.

"You're tired. It has been a long night. Would you like me to cut the tour short and show you the guest room?"Â?

((OOC: Thanks for pointing out the subterfuge potential here. I think he'd try to spare Thaddeus though it does break his heart to put up a wall here.))

There was a long and thoughtful silence as they looked out the window, and Thaddeus found himself wondering what might be going through Alfarinn’s mind right now. It seemed there were so many things he ought to be asking. Had they found the accomplice? Were they still in danger? What were they doing before all of this happened? But he couldn’t bring himself to ask any more questions just yet, however irresponsible that attitude was.

He looked out onto the city, troubled and quiet, when Alfarinn spoke.

He didn’t answer for a long moment, though after that hesitation he nodded slightly in reply. Of course Alfarinn would want to close himself off; if he had the ability he would probably do the same thing. It was his choice, his right even, to shield his own mind. Although those final words were a kindness and verified his companion’s sincerity in his reasoning, it still seemed such a heartrending thing have to do. No one should have to make these kinds of choices.

There was a moment where he wondered whether this meant that Alfarinn could no longer feel –him- through the bond, if closing himself off were a two way street, but that suspicion was shattered by his companion’s next remark. It was a little strange to think that Alfarinn knew so much about him – that he could simply know he was tired, or depressed, or cheerful…but in this case he could certainly see the advantage.

“Yes, please…I think that would be best.”

Turning expectantly to follow his partner’s lead, he considered the idea that showing him to the guest room might very well be a first for both of them. Those thoughts, though, would only be more discouraging, and so he abandoned them in favor of following Alfarinn’s lead. An Alfarinn he could no longer feel in his mind; the absence seemed somehow more obvious that the presence had been, though he imagined he would soon adjust.

Alfarinn nodded quietly and lead his companion to the guest bedroom. Pushing open the door with one hand, he stood out of the way.

"Don't worry the glass is UV protected and the blinds are on a timer."Â?

He looked into the room at the white washed furniture and deep blue comforter. It was his hope that his guests would find the ocean colours soothing and inviting. Now he was not sure how he felt about the room though he supposed it was irrational to consider its existence to be the reason he would be sleeping alone. Alfarinn sighed and hoped that it served the purpose he originally intended, pushing away his more selfish thoughts for later.

"The bathroom is just beyond and extra toothbrushes and razors can be found in the drawers. If you need anything else then just let me know."Â?

It wasn't like he'd be asleep. Still if the unforeseeable happened and he managed to drift off then Thaddeus would have a hard time waking him if his partner tried to be polite about it.

"I'm a heavy sleeper. So please, if you need something come wake me."Â?

It was awkward treating Thaddeus like a guest. Unnerved somewhat by the situation, Alfarinn wondered whether he should stay to see if Thaddeus immediately needed anything or move on so his companion did not feel uncomfortable with his presence. Ultimately he decided on the latter.

"Sleep well, Thaddeus."Â?

Nodding his head, Alfarinn moved back down the short hall and to the kitchen. Fixing himself another scotch, he took it and the bottle to the living room couch. There would be no sleep for him for hours yet.

((OOC: I figure even from the bedroom Thaddeus would be able to hear Alfarinn in the kitchen and therefore know he's awake. ))

Thaddeus nodded slightly at Alfarinn’s assurances as he walked into the guestroom, looking around at the calm nautical décor but not really registering anything. He was beginning to feel dazed and numb, to the point that he wasn’t certain he could take any more in right now. Alfarinn gave a brief explanation of where things were, and Thaddeus thanked him politely.

It all felt incredibly awkward. Alfarinn left after insisting once again that he should come wake him if he needed anything, and Thaddeus lamely wished him good night. Then he looked around the room.

Tired as he was, it wasn’t even tempting to simply flop on the bed and fall asleep. Instead he looked to the fish tank, which had caught his eye. Several fish swam around with apparent contentment, and Thaddeus moved closer to watch them go about their fishy little lives. He wondered vaguely if Alfarinn were the type to give them names, then decided to stop asking himself such ridiculous questions. Instead, he thought, he should take Alfarinn up on his offer of a toothbrush. He ran his hand over his chin and decided he must have shaved earlier that same night, or the night before. There would be no point in shaving again for another few days, and to be truthful he barely needed to at all.

Of course, once he got to the bathroom the fresh towels and soaps near the shower stall proved too tempting to pass up. He stripped quickly, ignoring that vaguely vulnerable feeling that came with being naked in someone else’s house in favor being blessedly clean, and stepped inside the shower.

He tilted his head back, his face in the spray, thinking that if it were possible to drown in the shower he would have done so long before now. He turned the temperature up to a degree that would leave his skin pink long after the shower was over and leaned forward, letting the water drum on the back of his neck and shoulders. His soaked hair clung to his cheeks, neck, chin.

He did his best not to think, and failed miserably. His mind wandered, from Alfarinn to Emma to this Lykaios, a roulette wheel of faces and emotions and events.

The water pounded the top of his head.

Eventually he realized that the shower would offer him little in the form of escape, and he washed, taking forever with his hair by virtue of not being used to it, and turned off the spray. The sudden quiet was almost startling, and Thaddeus stood quite still inside the shower stall, thinking that this suite suddenly seemed very large and he was very small inside of it. He stepped out as silently as he could, shy of making too much noise, and reached for the towel he had set near the stall.

Was Alfarinn still awake? Thaddeus shook his head – perhaps they needed to add ‘hearing things’ to the list, but he thought it sounded as though someone were still up and about. Perhaps his companion had similar troubles with sleeping. Even if he didn’t, anyone would struggle to fall asleep after a night like tonight. Thaddeus felt a wave of guilt at that thought and sighed as he raked his fingers through his damp hair.

Maybe he just wasn't tired yet.

It felt strange to go out into this unfamiliar guest room and…what, make himself comfortable, go to sleep, while Alfarinn remained awake with god only knew what going through his mind? Not bloody likely. Oddly, there was a part of him that didn’t want to be alone right now, and he felt a sudden and acute pang of homesickness for Mai. He wished he could go to the gardens and tell her everything; though in his mind he had seen her only yesterday, he missed her terribly.

Alfarinn had said that should he need anything...but what did he need? Thaddeus huffed – what indeed! If he knew the answer to that question he'd be a hell of a lot further along than he was. And what kind of nightsman was he if he couldn't even come up with a decent cover story for leaving the guest room? Perhaps, he thought wryly as he squeezed the water from his considerably longer hair, he should ask for a hair dryer. That was likely a weak excuse, though – in spite of being longer his fine hair didn't take long to dry. And in any case, there was a very good chance that Alfarinn –had- a hair dryer somewhere in the cabinets. Not that he would go snooping through the cabinets, of course.

Sighing, he finished toweling off and wrapped the towel around his waist, exiting the bathroom in a cloud of steam. He carried the clothes he had been wearing out with him, thinking he would want to keep them nice as he would most likely need them to wear tomorrow, and hung them in the closet.

Then he sat on the edge of the bed, wrapped in his towel, staring at the fish.

He hadn’t heard anyone on the stairs and guessed that Alfarinn was still on the lower level, though that could be his imagination. Now that he was alone he realized it was ridiculous to expect that he would sleep, no matter how tired he was; perhaps he should go back down and talk to him. He laughed darkly – talk to him about –what-, for heaven’s sake? How was he supposed to avoid painful subjects in that conversation? He shook his head; that was just a bad idea brought on by loneliness and confusion and a strange bed.

Fish didn’t have these kinds of problems. Thaddeus doubted they could even remember more than a few minutes of their pasts. Then again, they lived in a clear house, which he thought must be rather dreadful in its own right.

Sighing, he flopped back on the bed, upside down so he could alternate between staring at the ceiling and watching the fish.

/ooc the angsty guys are outie!