I should have known it wouldn't be quite so easy. Was Kiamhaat an eel in a former life? I have never met anyone capable of being quite this slippery when he wanted to be. I thought it was bad enough tracking him to Nachton... now I can't get him in the same room. He's avoiding me, and I'm not sure why. It goes beyond my own silliness. I opened up a wound with what I said, and it's eating at him in some way I don't comprehend yet. He feels guilty. Why?
Meh. Empathy can only get me so far. There are any number of reasons why Kiamhaat would have taken my words to heart. I thought we agreed that the circumstances of my creation were water under the bridge, and that he would let go of any responsibility he felt there, but maybe that hasn't been the case. I just don't kow, and I can't corner him and make him talk to me when he's slithering in and out of Meridian like a champ. How does he do it, anyway?
In the meantime, I've had plenty of time to consider the essence of my words back in Giza. It was inevitable that I would have to face this situation sooner or later. I knew it when I accepted this life, and I thought I could sail through it with straight A's, but this isn't school. Now I know why Kiamhaat feared staying with me. It's not pleasant. Sure, everyone watches their parents grow old and die, but how many of us actually have the option of preventing that death? And what is it that tells us which path to take?
I asked for this life; I am a rarity. Most of us don't wish it. Hell, most of us don't even know it exists. I'm certain my parents don't suspect. And if they knew about it, I don't think they'd want it. They are Christians, and they are devout. This life would be terrible to them. If they knew what Kiamhaat was... what I am now, well - I don't know. I'd like to think they wouldn't turn their backs on us, but I can't be sure anymore. Belief in right and wrong is a strong motivator. I should know; look at what I've done, all of the belief that kiamhaat and I belonged together. Was I wrong?
No. I'm happy I'm here, and if the price I must pay is stoicism while I do, indeed, watch loved ones die, hen I am ready to pay it. You're worth that to me, Kiamhaat. You are unquestionably the most important person in my life, the only one I have ever loved, and ever want to love.
Now, damnit, if you would just stop oozing around Meridian...
Not Easy At All
I'm an idiot.
Have you ever had a moment where you open your mouth and stupid comes out? I'm sure you have. Everyone has. Only, my "stupid" has caused a great deal of anguish. I didn't mean it, and had I been thinking I would never have said what I did, asked what I did. Ugh, I'm an idiot.
Even now, back in Nachton, things are strained between the two of us. Kiamhaat knows I didn't mean to hurt him, and I know he knows it. He's trying to pretend it didn't though, which is noble of him - and kind. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to retract words that were said, and how to erase what I've done, or at least mend it. I've made my problem his problem, and it was wrong of me.
I knew it would eventually come to this. I knew I would have to watch my friends and family grow old and die. Even had I not accepted Chris' offer, I would have to watch my parents go through it. Temptation is an ugly companion though. I thought I would be strong enough to resist - no, I know I am. It was still there though, and in the moment it reared its head I asked Kiamhaat a question that's tearing him apart. All he did for me while we were in Giza, everything he thought of and took care of, with quiet organization and loving arrangement, and I've repaid him by laying a burden on him that was unfair, at best.
As we lay there absorbing the news I was thinking about my father. He was out of the woods after his surgery. But the had been compliactions and the surgeons ahd made it quite clear, in bluntly unenchanting terms, that dad has limited time. They put a band-aid on, and in effect, he's counting his days. A few years at best, they said.
And as I rested against Kiamhaat, I opened my mouth and asked him, "I'm not ready. Or allowed, I know. But what Chris gave to me, someone else could offer too...?"
Obviously there was only one person to whom I'd suggest that gift be offered, and only one person with the experience and the ability to do so. All I can say is that it was my own stupidity that caused me to speak the words aloud, when in truth, I knew the impossibility of them. If I'd just taken a few moments to consider, I'd have realized that no one involved would have really wanted that. Not my father, not Kiamhaat, and, deep down, not even myself. It was a childish fancy, that thought that we could keep things going on as they had forever. I'm sure everyone in our position thinks about it at one time or another. Maybe a few times. It would be me, though, to make a mess of it by saying it to the wrong person at the wrong time.
Kiamhaat feels guilty, I think. I have to talk to him. This isn't his problem to work through; it's mine.
((ooc: To be read concurrently with It's Never That Easy))
Aishe
15 years ago
Aishe
15 years ago
We all have our little secrets, don't we? I've found one of Kiamhaat's. I'm fairly certain it wasn't supposed to be found. How interesting. I suppose I should pretend I don't know it. Everyone has to keep something private... but no. I think I may hang onto this one for a bit.
I refuse to track him through Meridian. Instead I'm going to ambush him here at home. He can't live at Meridian, and this "catching up on work" excuse is going to grow stale very soon. Oh, I don't doubt that he's got plenty to keep him occupied. He's been doing double duty for a long time now and it does pile up.
I think in the past few days I've made peace with myself. Yeah. I said something unintentionally hurtful. I suppose that makes it easier for me to get over it than the person who was hurt by it. But I need to explain to Kiamhaat why I said what I said, and what decision I've reached since then. I think knowing how I feel will help him. Otherwise he's going to stew on it and get himself all worked up. He's got every right. I've told myself time and again that it's going to take time and patience for him to believe me when I say I'm happy with him.
Everyone has their insecurities, and 1600 years is a lot of time to build them up. I have time to wait them out now, though.
Kiamhaat, sadly, is out of time. I'm pretty sure those headlights out the front window were his shiny new car. No more avoiding. You'll take my apology and like it, mister.
I refuse to track him through Meridian. Instead I'm going to ambush him here at home. He can't live at Meridian, and this "catching up on work" excuse is going to grow stale very soon. Oh, I don't doubt that he's got plenty to keep him occupied. He's been doing double duty for a long time now and it does pile up.
I think in the past few days I've made peace with myself. Yeah. I said something unintentionally hurtful. I suppose that makes it easier for me to get over it than the person who was hurt by it. But I need to explain to Kiamhaat why I said what I said, and what decision I've reached since then. I think knowing how I feel will help him. Otherwise he's going to stew on it and get himself all worked up. He's got every right. I've told myself time and again that it's going to take time and patience for him to believe me when I say I'm happy with him.
Everyone has their insecurities, and 1600 years is a lot of time to build them up. I have time to wait them out now, though.
Kiamhaat, sadly, is out of time. I'm pretty sure those headlights out the front window were his shiny new car. No more avoiding. You'll take my apology and like it, mister.