Late night chat

Alfarinn eyes had drifted close of their own accord and he simply lost himself in the feeling of Thaddeus's hands and the touch of those delicate lips, so eloquent in speech and here equally talented in evoking such desire and longing from him that it was almost painful.

Alfarinn moaned softly when he felt them on his ear. Instantly weak and grateful that he knelt on the floor lest his legs collapse out from under him. His arms tightened slightly on Thaddeus in response to the need that well up inside him at that feather light touch. He was undone now, one of his secret weaknesses revealed. All Thaddeus would ever have to do to get anything from him would be to nibble on his ear and run his fingers through Alfarinn's hair. He felt like Samson after having told Delilah what would rob him of his strength. Alfarinn could only hope that his trust in Thaddeus was a better judgement.

He felt slightly disappointed when those lips moved away from him. Thaddeus was right, much as Alfarinn hated to admit it. They needed to talk about this. Though it brought a certain apprehension back up inside him. What if the Anantya decided that this was just not a wise idea?

Alfarinn slowly got back to his feet and sat back down on the bed. Looking over at his companion, he said quietly.

"I suppose we should talk."

Thaddeus wanted to reach out and take back that contact as Arin moved to sit next to him, and had to grit his teeth against the impulse. Then he bit his lip as that -moan- replayed in his mind. Had he really evoked that? Thaddeus found that idea both miraculous and strange, something he couldn't quite wrap his mind around, could only accept it as wonderful. They sat close enough that their thighs touched lightly, and while that was in some ways more maddening than not touching at all, the position offered Thaddeus the clarity he felt when he was close to the other man. He resisted the temptation to cover Arin's hand in his.

He reflected that he ought to have thought of what to say before whispering in Arin's ear, but it wasn't as though he had been thinking anything productive while nibbling at the other man. It couldn't be helped, though he rather wished he knew how to go about this conversation. Several statements passed through his mind, and he rejected each in quick succession. Finally he took a shaky breath and closed his eyes, gathering his thoughts, putting them in a line, weighing their worth, trying to fit together what he thought and what he knew and what he felt and what he wanted to do next. He tried his best, though it was difficult, to ignore the unhelpful desires that ran through him; to flee to the gardens to think, to climb back into Arin's arms, to hide inside this room forever.

When at last he opened his eyes again, he found that his hand had somehow wandered to cover Arin's once more. He looked up and met the Evenhet's eyes.

I'm fighting on enough fronts here; the hand stays.

There are a great many things I'm uncertain about right now, Arin.

I do know, however, that that was incredible.

Thaddeus shrugged and gave Arin a shy smile. It's a start.

There was, of course, more to be said.

Thaddeus just felt he should get that out of the way.

Alfarinn felt the tension rush out of him in relief along with the breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He squeezed gently on the fingers in his grasp.

"You astound me with your gift for understatement." Smiling slightly, Alfarinn paused to collect his thoughts. Very difficult when all you can think of is lips touching your skin and hands in your hair.

" I didn't mean for this to happen." He didn't want Thaddeus to get that impression, fearing most of all that this might be seen as him playing a game, or a part. Something he was very good at doing. In the Anantya's place, perhaps it would make sense to doubt him. Had not explained earlier tonight that he had played Arin so long?

He searched those grey eyes in front of him carefully,willing Thaddeus to believe him, to see this was the real Alfarinn, the plain truth. " I am, however, very pleased that it did. Wanted it beyond reason... because reason would deny such a thing. Logic would point out all the ways this could go wrong."

Alfarinn gave Thaddeus a small self depreciating grin before continuing.

" I am obviously not a very good listener."

Logic and reason are tools. If we choose to pursue...this...any further, we'll need a healthy dose of both. I am not prepared to abandon them and do not think we have.

Thaddeus again pulled Alfarinn's hand to his chest, this time deliberately.

I wanted this too, Alfarinn. I -want- this, and I won't apologize for that, but it wouldn't be honest of me to go down this road, to say yes, for the sake of want. It's not -in- me to do that, to myself or you. What makes this all right, what makes me say yes, and continue saying that, and not apologizing for it, is that in you I see more truth than logic and reason have ever given me.

Thaddeus realized this wasn't the most charming way to put his thoughts; he was thinking of the facts, of the truth, and sometimes those things appeared bare and cold.

They were what mattered right now though. He hoped there would be time to explore and share all of those other wonderful things in Alfarinn, time for passion and beauty and humor, but at the core of these things were truth.

If you don't want to pursue this, I will...well I will not understand, as long as we're being honest here, not as though you wouldn't know how I really felt in any case, but I will respect that, as I respect you. What you've gifted me with is already more than I could have hoped for, something I will treasure...one blessedly perfect moment.

Thaddeus sighed, saddened by the thought of Alfarinn wanting to walk away from all of this, even though he knew he had no right to be.

It was better to know now.

"Don't think for one second that I don't want you." Was there any question? It alarmed him that He might not have made himself clear after all. He didn't want Thaddeus to have any doubts. Part of his problem has always been that Alfarinn couldn't remember a time when he wasn't connected to other people's feelings as well as his own. Granted, it was sometimes hard to tell the difference between the two. To be totally uncertain... was incomprehensible to him.

Alfarinn pulled Thaddeus closer to him and wrapped his arms around him, unable to withstand the temptation any longer.

"Hopefully, I can put your mind to rest on that point, hmm? If I have not, please let me know. I'll try harder." He smiled slightly "Perhaps I did not express myself well enough. I only mean to say that to outward appearances this choice would not seem wise. There are very real concerns for us, difficulties I can see and those I can't yet imagine. If the analytical side of me was divorced from the rest and allowed to have its way then we might not be here."

Alfarinn mused a moment. "No, even that is not true. Even that part of me sees that wanting to be near you is only right. That we do make a "great team" and that there could probably be no better person for me than you despite differences that will make life difficult. It says quite logically that we could be stronger together than apart."

He took a breath and continued. "The other side of me believes there is no argument. This is right, there is no doubt. It says I would regret for eternity not taking a chance on something that could possibly be the best thing to happen to me in my very long life."

Looking down at the man in his arms, he said. "So, yes, all of me is in agreement that we want this. There is no regret in trying only in not trying."

"But I am most curious how you see this."

Thaddeus rested his head comfortably on Alfarinn's shoulder, wrapping his arms around the taller man and toying with a stray lock of hair. He remembered that first day in the apartment, when Alfarinn put a hand on his shoulder and he thought of how easily the Evenhet could break him.

He'd had no idea.

He spoke quietly, just above a whisper.

I just don't understand how we can be so certain. So sure. And yet it's -frightening- how certain I am of the rightness of this. And I'm trying so hard, -so- hard, to quantify that, to make this all line up, to justify it, to reconcile it, when it just -is true-. I struggle to accept that, I struggle to accept something I know to be true because I can't explain it, not fully, not anywhere near completely. There's such a feeling of vulnerability in that for me, and what really scares the hell out of me is that I don't so much mind.

And I'm trying to let go of that, that fear of the possibility of what could happen, that fear of my own feelings, because I've decided, because I'm certain.

Thaddeus paused, not knowing how to continue but realizing that he must, that it would be wrong not to tell him.

The last time I was this certain, she died, Alfarinn. And I've come to terms with that as much as I can, the situation being what it is, but I always believed that there was no possibility of having another chance at that kind of perfect happiness, and now here you are, and do you understand at all how much that scares me?

Thaddeus closed his eyes, not trusting himself to speak. He willed the tears that wanted to come away, allowing himself the comfort of Alfarinn's arms.

"I understand."

He held Thaddeus closer, resting his cheek against him. Simply holding him for several minutes before being willing to speak again.

Alfarinn had no choice but to understand, not that he would have had it any other way. There were times when sharing in someone else's pain helped no one. Alfarinn hoped this was not one of those times. He would bare it alone for Thaddeus if he could.

At last he said quietly "This is not same."

"Each experience is something new with its own chances for happiness and failure. To close off those chances, to never feel anything would be to not live."

"I know. I've tried."

He closed his eyes and continued, this wasn't about his pain.

"I won't lie to you and say that nothing will happen to me because we can't know these things. I have lived my whole life protecting those I care about and sometimes I have failed." Alfarinn's embrace tightened ever so slightly, as if by holding Thaddeus closer he could keep him safe.

"There are experiences in my life that I regret. Many, I've lived a long time. But I've never regretted loving someone, taking a chance, even if it failed."

Alfarinn raised his head and looked down at Thaddeus. "I am more afraid of not trying."

Thaddeus lifted up his head at last and found himself meeting Alfarinn's eyes. He wondered if there would ever be a time when he was not amazed by this man, and decided that was a true impossibility. For once he didn't mind not having all the answers, not having a plan or a next move, not when he had Alfarinn's arms around him. He had always craved certainty and stability; that he had found it in the midst of this truly upside down situation was surely a miracle.

It was perfectly quiet in the apartment, the two men holding each other in silence, but after a moment Thaddeus heard the sound of traffic outside and sighed. Dawn would be soon. He reached up, cradling Alfarinn's face with his hand.

I don't know what I might have done to deserve you. But I have no intention of letting you go.

He placed his head back on the other man's shoulder. Soon they would have to face the world, face up to the choice they had made and pay what ever dues life demanded of them, but at least they had today. The time seemed suddenly too precious to waste on heartache and fear, when it could so easily be replaced by hope.

Just give me a little more time with this one. I swear this time I'll use it wisely.

Unable to delay the inevitable, Thaddeus looked up at Alfarinn once again.

It will be dawn soon.

Will you stay?

"Of course"

Alfarinn didn't move. He'd let Thaddeus break this contact. It would have to be done, they couldn't sit here forever but he didn't want to be the one to do it. Alfarinn would sit here as long as Thaddeus wanted him to.

He marveled at anyone thinking he was something to treasure. In his opinion, he was the one that didn't deserve such a person as the man he was holding. His past told him as much. Alfarinn would keep do whatever it took keep Thaddeus safe. He'd not lose him. This time would be different.

"Thank you."

For giving him a chance...For believing in him.. for simply being you. There was so much that he meant with those words and they seemed woefully inadequate to express it. Alfarinn just hoped Thaddeus understood.

There was plenty more to say but right now he was content with that. They'd have time for words later, he'd make certain of it.

'Of course.'

Thaddeus reflected that there were certainly going to be harder questions, both to ask and to answer, in the near future, but the simplicity of Alfarinn's answer was refreshing. As if it was obvious and inevitable. To Thaddeus, it just wasn't so; he'd been prepared for either answer, not entirely sure of how such matters worked, and while he knew what he wanted he would have understood if Alfarinn had to leave.

After all, there always came a time where everyone had to go home at the end of the night, at least in Thaddeus's experience. Now he and Alfarinn were going to try to do this with life happening all around them, with its responsibilities and chaos. They had just had a life changing discussion, not to mention a mind blowing kiss, on a bed still scattered with accessories for the club and located in a dingy apartment. That this had happened when Thaddeus was as far from his best as he could be was both strange and wonderful to him.

Thaddeus reached over Alfarinn, grabbing one of the bags the other man had brought with him earlier tonight (tonight! Thaddeus could still hardly believe all that had happened), and he began picking up the various items covering the bed, throwing them in the bag for another time. The bed clear, Thaddeus would have liked nothing more than to collapse in it, pulling Alfarinn with him, but the simple act of cleaning up had brought enough reality to the situation that he realized just how badly he needed a shower. And there was the fact that Alfarinn might not be the least bit interested in sharing his bed today; some people were like that, hell, Thaddeus was like that. He had never shared a bed with another person in his life, had never had the opportunity to, and really never the desire.

Now things were different in so many ways. Thaddeus couldn't believe how much that one moment could change things, and the fact that not every change was one of sadness brought him some hope for the future. Reluctantly pulling away completely from Alfarinn and standing up, he reached down, tucked a strand of hair behind the other man's ear, and told him his intentions.

I'm dirty, I need a shower. Don't go anywhere. Thaddeus resisted the impulse to lean down and kiss Alfarinn gently on the forehead, and headed for his bathroom.

Alfarinn smiled watching Thaddeus clean up the bed. When the Anantya stood and declared he would shower the first thought had certainly been to offer to help but he knew that Thaddeus was not expecting such a situation and had not seemed to think of it.

Alfarinn had been Evenhet for so long. Fast paced in everything, but he did not wish to mess this up. No doubt there would be times that moved more quickly than the Anantya would have them go but for now Alfarinn could slow down. It was pleasant in a way, after the blur of events that brought them there. Simply being with Thaddeus was enough, knowing there would be another time after this allowed him to be patient.

He stood and wandered to one of the other bathrooms. A shower sounded like an excellent idea, he wouldn't even use much of Thaddeus's hot water. Letting the cool liquid poor over him, he mused that normally it would clear his thoughts but at the moment those seemed to be in a blissful state of confusion.

Once scrubbed clean of grim and dirt and the smoke scent removed from his hair, Alfarinn stepped back out of the shower. Drying off, he wrapped the towel around his waist and wondered absently if Thaddeus bothered to get a hair dryer or if this was a modern convenience that the Anantya simply didn't know about.

He wandered back in Thaddeus's bedroom to find out.

Steam filled the bathroom as Thaddeus felt the hot water pound on his head and shoulders, driving all thought from his mind as he reveled in the feeling of being clean. He simply allowed the water to flow over him for a long moment before scouring his skin free of the sewers and the club and the sticky outdoors.

When at last he stepped out of the shower and slipped into his robe, his thoughts turned again to Alfarinn. Toweling his hair vigorously, he cleared some of the fog from the bathroom mirror, arranged his hair as best he could given its current state of dampness, and opened the door, allowing the steam to filter out of the bathroom. For a moment he was surprised (and not a little anxious) to find the bedroom empty, but through the thin walls of the apartment he could hear movement.

Ah, I suppose he's decided to take the other quarters then. Finding himself a little disappointed, but satisfied that at least the Evenhet was nearby, he turned to the closet (not a wardrobe, a closet, and a small one at that) to get a little more descent.

Alfarinn's entrance stopped him in his tracks. He turned, hopefully, wondering if the other man had decided to stay with him today after all, and the sight that greeted him...

Thaddeus gripped the closet doorknob and swallowed hard. Alfarinn stood in his room, wearing nothing but a towel, his long hair a sheet of liquid silver going past his well shaped, angular shoulders...

That was about all Thaddeus took in before looking down at his feet, blushing and trying not to think about kissing every inch of that flawless torso.

Really, he wasn't wearing all that much more in the club, you're being silly now. Get a hold of yourself, what will he think of you?

He looked up again, resolutely keeping his eyes on Alfarinn's, and smiled.

Need something?

The blush was absolutely one of the most heart breakingly beautiful things he'd ever seen. So rare in these jaded times. Alfarinn couldn't help but smile. It made him want to take Thaddeus in his arms and hide him away from anything that would change that sense of propriety, those flawless manners.



"Yes." Alfarinn smiled and gestured to his wet hair. " It will be an impossible mess if left to dry this way. Would you happen to have bought a hair dryer?

He ran his fingers through the wet strands trying to straighten them out.

"It is alright if you haven't. I can comb out the tangles when we wake up."

Thaddeus really, really wished he had a hair dryer. Not that the sight of a shirtless Alfarinn running his fingers through that wet hair wasn't one of the more appealing things he'd ever seen in his life. Quite the contrary, in fact; Thaddeus thought he might be enjoying the vision in front of him too much for his own good.

He shook his head in the negative.

I didn't think of it. Mai would be bothered by such a device and I don't really have the need...Thaddeus pointed to his already mostly dry hair...it just wasn't something that occurred to me.

"Its alright then." Alfarinn crossed the room and grinned at Thaddeus. "You just might be needed to help me untangle the knots later. It would take hours if I tried to do it myself."

He brought Thaddeus close to him and kissed him gently once before asking.

"Where would you like me to sleep?" It was Thaddeus's place after all. Alfarinn certainly knew his own preference but that might not be the Anantya's, perhaps he was used to sleeping alone and preferred it.

It took Thaddeus a disproportionately long time to process the question, though whether it was the touch of Alfarinn's cool bare skin against him, or that tender kiss that had a way of making him feel so accepted and complete at the same time, or his own indecision that distracted him so, he wasn't entirely sure. He was once again fighting on many fronts, worrying over sounding too presumptuous and wondering if he could keep from going too far with this man in his bed at the same time. He wondered if there was some sort of rule about this, something one was supposed to say...

Yes Thaddeus, there's a whole section on taking a man into your bed in the Anantya code of conduct. Get it together and tell him what you want!

He resisted the urge to look down at his feet again, instead resolving to look Alfarinn in the eyes.

He bit his lip nervously.

Here? With me?

Alfarinn lifted a hand to Thaddeus's cheek and ran a thumb lightly across it. Amazing that such words could touch him so, perhaps it was how they were said or just that Thaddeus was the one saying them. He really didn't know.

Perhaps it the pause? The fact that he asked instead of just said? Alfarinn would have thought the years had made him more jaded than this. He didn't think he would be moved by such a simple request but he was surprised and relieved to find he was wrong. Thaddeus had a way of getting through straight to the center of him.

He smiled faintly and said " I was hoping you'd say that."

Thaddeus couldn't help but close his eyes for just a moment as Alfarinn stroked his cheek; something about that gesture of affection made him weak in the knees. But as much as he wanted to lose himself to that tenderness, and to return it, he knew that heading down that road now would only lead him somewhere...improper.

The part of him wanting to abandon such clearly ridiculous notions and kiss this man full on the mouth was beginning to win out, but instead, he took Alfarinn's hand in his and opened the closet door.

I might have something for you in here...

Alfarinn came to stand behind Thaddeus and looked into the closet. He wrapped his free hand around the man's waist. Kissing Thaddeus gently on the neck, he smiled.

"Do you really think there is something in there to fit me?"

He slid his lips along that warm graceful curve before adding. "Besides, I don't normally sleep in anything at all. Does that bother you?" He would wear something if it did. Even the clothes he just got out of if it made Thaddeus more comfortable.

Alfarinn also had to consider that Thaddeus might not want to sleep curled up next to him. He wasn't exactly warm and comfortable. A thing he'd sometimes had reason to regret, like he did now.

Thaddeus shivered at those little kisses on his neck, tilting his head back and to the side to give Alfarinn better access and biting his lip to keep from moaning out loud. His knees were already weak from this and all he wanted to do was slide his eyes shut and enjoy the feeling of Alfarinn's mouth on his neck, feeling his lips move softly on that sensitive skin as he spoke, and suddenly Thaddeus could think of no reason to stop, to pull away, that stood up to that desire.

To hell with propriety.

He allowed his eyes to flicker closed as he leaned into the touch, pressing his weight against the other man...

Oh. He asked a question.

Thaddeus was beginning to have trouble thinking straight, but even so he thought it best to answer him in some coherent fashion.

No, it doesn't bother me a bit.

Well, that was what he had meant to say. What he really said was half a whispered and breathless, and he wasn't sure if the other man understood him, but Alfarinn seemed to have a way of doing that, understanding, and so it probably didn't matter.

Arin...

He turned around then, staying in the circle of Alfarinn's arm around him, and then he was kissing him, reaching up to put his hand in the other man's hair and it was just as good this way, cool and wet in his fingers as he pressed himself against the Evenhet, pushing him gently toward the bed, moving with him.

/ooc permission granted to move Alfarinn.

And I think Thaddeus might like having his neck kissed.