"Biased. But sweet," Mara said to Jin with a smile. She tilted her head up and nuzzled his jaw, as much to affirm her affection for him in front of Bao as for any other reason. Amir's lesson still rung in her head and she was pushing herself to do things slightly differently than normal. As she pulled away her smile remained but her brow furrowed a little. She was still somewhat daunted by Jin's previous words. Something had been wrong and Mara didn't like the mixed signals. Everything had seemed so very right.
She would have to be patient. Surely Jin would explain when he had the chance. Mara turned her attention to Bao to find him being very much an annoying younger sibling. Frowning at him a little, her eyes sparkling mischievously, she scooted down on the sofa and shoved Bao gently with her bare toes as if to push him out of her comfortable little area with Jin.
And then he pretty much stated that she wasn't dazzling at all and the vain feline that resided with in reared its little head and hissed. Her eyebrows traveling up her forehead she gasped at Bao and shoved hard enough to hopefully knock him onto the next cushion, if not into the next room.
Minor revenge obtained, Mara slid back up next to Jin and wrapped herself back around him with some slight hesitation... did he not want her close now? Inside she quailed and her confidence wavered somewhat. Taking a deep breath she rested her hand tentatively on his chest instead of wrapping it around his waist again. She was very confused.
To distract herself she answered Bao. "It's an animation. About an evil genius who tries to commit crime using three innocent little orphan girls as a vehicle for chaos. You'll love it."
She pointed to the screen and waved her hand, indicating Bao should watch it. Reaching forward she retrieved the popcorn bowl and offered some to him before retracting it and holding it partially in her lap and partially in Jin's.
Mid-day Pajama Party
Mara opened the door to her room, looked both ways although this wing of the manor was largely unoccupied and she didn't expect to see anyone, and then closed her door. She shifted and moved down the hallway, trotting softly past Amir's suite and making her way down the stairs toward the first floor and the opposite side of the Manor.
She had returned here with Jin two nights ago and hidden herself away in her usually vacant suite, but she had to admit that even here in the safety of the Manor she was jumping at shadows. She hadn't fed and she hadn't slept and she was growing desperate.
She couldn't go to Amir without giving away the fact that something was wrong, and then he would wring the whole story out of her. She had no other friends at Heolfor, save the one she had been struggling to avoid bothering. Poor Jin. He was going to regret having anything to do with her, most likely. She was trying very hard not to be needy, whiny, and clingy.
And yet, as she padded silently past the suite belonging to Elder Mai and arrived at the one next to it that was Jin's, she very much needed to relax for just a few minutes. She would leave soon if Jin seemed put out... but a break from being a nervous wreck was required.
Shifting back, Mara tapped lightly at Jin's door. When it opened quickly she immediately felt slightly worse, for it was clear she'd woken him judging by the open and hastily thrown on robe he wore over a simple pair of boxers. His hair was tied back behind him somewhere and Mara briefly wondered where it had gone before realizing that.
Glancing down she shuffled her feet a little. "I can't sleep," she mumbled, her cheeks growing red.
((ooc: description supplied by tiger-man :) ))
Mara
13 years ago
Jin
13 years ago
Jin smiled at Mara, shrugging slightly. He could indeed be biased however if that were so then he'd likely not know about it. The affectionate snuggle was comforting, he was slightly worried that his earlier statement might have offended her or caused her concern. He would need to explain the first good chance he find.
Mara was trying to push Bao further away; it was cute, perhaps a little childish, but somehow completely adorable. Her brother might not think so. Apparently she also took offense to his comment and shoved a little harder. Jin's eyebrows rose and he looked down at her.
"Perhaps as your brother, he did not feel it appropriate to tell you that you looked good in a blanket? I can understand where that might be awkward."
Thinking of his own siblings, one in particular, Jin knew that such family relations could be tricky. If Dharma could manage to put him in an awkward spot then she would do so, gleefully.
The movie was adequately explained in Mara's brief description. Taking a few bites of popcorn, Jin supposed this time they would probably actually -watch- the movie. He wrapped an arm around Mara, snuggling close and doing his best to pay attention to the television.
Mara was trying to push Bao further away; it was cute, perhaps a little childish, but somehow completely adorable. Her brother might not think so. Apparently she also took offense to his comment and shoved a little harder. Jin's eyebrows rose and he looked down at her.
"Perhaps as your brother, he did not feel it appropriate to tell you that you looked good in a blanket? I can understand where that might be awkward."
Thinking of his own siblings, one in particular, Jin knew that such family relations could be tricky. If Dharma could manage to put him in an awkward spot then she would do so, gleefully.
The movie was adequately explained in Mara's brief description. Taking a few bites of popcorn, Jin supposed this time they would probably actually -watch- the movie. He wrapped an arm around Mara, snuggling close and doing his best to pay attention to the television.
Bao
13 years ago
It was rather odd to see Mara interested in some one, and so openly too. Bao was a little disturbed by it. Certainly, while she was attractive, he had never thought of her in that way. Which was a bit odd, he supposed. After all, it wasn't as if they were biologically related. So long as she was happy though, that truly was his only concern. If Jin should cause her any trouble Bao would very probably be cranky about it.
"So long as he is sweet.�
When Mara shoved him a little he only smiled and did his best not to let his coffee slosh about. Unfortunately, she did not give him any time to set it down before shoving him again. This time it did slosh, hot and strong, all over his hand, wrist and shirt; although, some how he did manage to keep it off the laptop and the sofa. Bao would never say anything about that to his elder sister, it would be rude, he only raised an eyebrow and made a show of shaking off his hand, setting down what was left of the coffee down and sitting a bit further away.
He inclined his head at Jin's assessment as he did reach for some popcorn.
"Indeed. It was some how less than appropriate to explain to my sister that she looks ravishing no matter what she wears. I can only assume that you have been in this position as well.�
To Bao it was unnatural not to have siblings. Part of belonging to the clan was helping it grow, turning those that showed promise or would benefit them. So to Bao's mind, Jin must have 'siblings'.
Having been a father, he did have a bit of a soft spot for children and so wasn't entirely sure about the using orphans. But there had also been mention of avoiding Starbuck's lines and faux pyramids. So he suspected this was more of a fiction and less of a 'how to'.
"I have never liked chaos. I should have thought you'd know this.�
Bao said as he helped himself to some popcorn, before Mara settled it between herself and Jin. After quietly munching a kernel or two, he tossed one at Mara, a very small pay back for the coffee situation.
"So long as he is sweet.�
When Mara shoved him a little he only smiled and did his best not to let his coffee slosh about. Unfortunately, she did not give him any time to set it down before shoving him again. This time it did slosh, hot and strong, all over his hand, wrist and shirt; although, some how he did manage to keep it off the laptop and the sofa. Bao would never say anything about that to his elder sister, it would be rude, he only raised an eyebrow and made a show of shaking off his hand, setting down what was left of the coffee down and sitting a bit further away.
He inclined his head at Jin's assessment as he did reach for some popcorn.
"Indeed. It was some how less than appropriate to explain to my sister that she looks ravishing no matter what she wears. I can only assume that you have been in this position as well.�
To Bao it was unnatural not to have siblings. Part of belonging to the clan was helping it grow, turning those that showed promise or would benefit them. So to Bao's mind, Jin must have 'siblings'.
Having been a father, he did have a bit of a soft spot for children and so wasn't entirely sure about the using orphans. But there had also been mention of avoiding Starbuck's lines and faux pyramids. So he suspected this was more of a fiction and less of a 'how to'.
"I have never liked chaos. I should have thought you'd know this.�
Bao said as he helped himself to some popcorn, before Mara settled it between herself and Jin. After quietly munching a kernel or two, he tossed one at Mara, a very small pay back for the coffee situation.
Mara
13 years ago
Mara winced as she saw Bao's coffee splash; she'd forgotten it was in his other hand. She certainly hadn't meant to do that. 'Sorry,' she mouthed at him contritely. She made a mental note to pick up his dry cleaning bill that week.
Jin's words, surely meant to smooth the situation over, made her feel somewhat chastised. Her nervous giddiness at being walked in on was fading and Mara blushed and sank back into the couch cushions some, quietly mumbling her agreement and remaining silent.
Really, she was all right with the topic moving away from her. Mara didn't relish the idea of being either ravishing or dazzling. She found it appealing as far as Jin was concerned, she realized, but otherwise those ideals weren't usually ones she embraced. Prettiness, beauty, those were for other women. Mara didn't want them unless they were expressed by the man sitting next to her.
She uttered a little exasperated sigh at Bao as her humor flew over his head. Of course he wouldn't like it; that was the point. But he seemed willing to give it a try. When he tossed a piece of popcorn at her, she snatched it from the air and popped it into her mouth. Mara stayed quiet though, unwilling to say anything more. She was already feeling somewhat deflated compared to five minutes earlier.
Jin's words, surely meant to smooth the situation over, made her feel somewhat chastised. Her nervous giddiness at being walked in on was fading and Mara blushed and sank back into the couch cushions some, quietly mumbling her agreement and remaining silent.
Really, she was all right with the topic moving away from her. Mara didn't relish the idea of being either ravishing or dazzling. She found it appealing as far as Jin was concerned, she realized, but otherwise those ideals weren't usually ones she embraced. Prettiness, beauty, those were for other women. Mara didn't want them unless they were expressed by the man sitting next to her.
She uttered a little exasperated sigh at Bao as her humor flew over his head. Of course he wouldn't like it; that was the point. But he seemed willing to give it a try. When he tossed a piece of popcorn at her, she snatched it from the air and popped it into her mouth. Mara stayed quiet though, unwilling to say anything more. She was already feeling somewhat deflated compared to five minutes earlier.
Jin
13 years ago
Jin had forgotten about the coffee that Bao was holding; apparently Mara had not remembered it either. In the defense of unperceptive felines, he would say that they really weren't expecting company. Jin had been more focused on his companion's reaction and perhaps she had been concerned about how he was taking getting caught 'snogging,' as Sorcha would say, by a member of her family.
Answering Bao's question, he turned his eyes heavenward. "Oh yes. I have a sister that delights in awkward questions and" Jin shrugged his shoulders slightly "mischief of all kinds."
Yes, that coming from him.
He gave Mara a comforting squeeze and a little nuzzle. Likely she felt bad for creating more havoc than she had intended.
"Those are the cut rate pyramids."
Jin pointed to the rapidly deflating giant monument.
A little while later and they were back to the scene with the freeze ray at Starbucks.
"I still say one of those would be very handy."
Answering Bao's question, he turned his eyes heavenward. "Oh yes. I have a sister that delights in awkward questions and" Jin shrugged his shoulders slightly "mischief of all kinds."
Yes, that coming from him.
He gave Mara a comforting squeeze and a little nuzzle. Likely she felt bad for creating more havoc than she had intended.
"Those are the cut rate pyramids."
Jin pointed to the rapidly deflating giant monument.
A little while later and they were back to the scene with the freeze ray at Starbucks.
"I still say one of those would be very handy."
Bao
13 years ago
Bao smiled reassuringly at Mara. He did like it when she was more forward and playful, in his experience it was rare too often they spoke of business. As a result he felt a bit bad when she rather fizzled. It really wasn't a big deal, truthfully, he wasn't even that annoyed. Perhaps a little but only just and that vanished when he saw her retreat.
"I think that might be a requirement of any sister. Less so of a brother though."
He lightly teased Mara, hoping to encourage her.
At any rate the moment had turned slightly awkward, certainly after his entrance it was impossible to miss the by play between the two of them. And while Bao might have a bit of a ruthless streak, he wasn't totally socially inept. Ordinarily he would have used his shirt as an excuse but he didn't want to call attention to that again. Instead he checked his watch.
"It certainly would save time." He agreed with Jin. "Which is something I currently seem to be out of. If you would both excuse me?"
With that Bao quietly collected his things, including the half empty coffee cup, and polity vanished.
((OOC... Bao out. Yeah go figure...))
"I think that might be a requirement of any sister. Less so of a brother though."
He lightly teased Mara, hoping to encourage her.
At any rate the moment had turned slightly awkward, certainly after his entrance it was impossible to miss the by play between the two of them. And while Bao might have a bit of a ruthless streak, he wasn't totally socially inept. Ordinarily he would have used his shirt as an excuse but he didn't want to call attention to that again. Instead he checked his watch.
"It certainly would save time." He agreed with Jin. "Which is something I currently seem to be out of. If you would both excuse me?"
With that Bao quietly collected his things, including the half empty coffee cup, and polity vanished.
((OOC... Bao out. Yeah go figure...))
Mara
13 years ago
Again with the mixed signals... Jin's light touch comforted her though. Whatever he must have tried to say earlier couldn't have been so bad in spite of how it had begun or he wouldn't continue to be cuddly, right? She rested her head against his shoulder, breathing in his scent which had begun to be so very familiar.
She returned Bao's smile. No harm, no foul, apparently. "You could stand to engage in a little bit more mischief yourself," she said.
Awkward, he'd definitely covered for tonight though. Mara felt bad when Bao got up to leave but she bid him a quiet good day and didn't attempt to persuade him to stay. For one, she didn't think their movie would appeal much to him and for another, she really had been enjoying being with Jin. Selfishly, she wanted him to herself again.
Did that mean he brought out the best, or the worst in her? Or possibly some combination of both? Whatever it was she would deal with it. She tugged the blanket up over them a little bit and twined her arm around Jin's waist again as Bao left.
She returned Bao's smile. No harm, no foul, apparently. "You could stand to engage in a little bit more mischief yourself," she said.
Awkward, he'd definitely covered for tonight though. Mara felt bad when Bao got up to leave but she bid him a quiet good day and didn't attempt to persuade him to stay. For one, she didn't think their movie would appeal much to him and for another, she really had been enjoying being with Jin. Selfishly, she wanted him to herself again.
Did that mean he brought out the best, or the worst in her? Or possibly some combination of both? Whatever it was she would deal with it. She tugged the blanket up over them a little bit and twined her arm around Jin's waist again as Bao left.
Jin
13 years ago
Jin chuckled and replied to Bao.
"Well I cannot claim to be mischief free, myself. I don't think it was normally directed at her though."
They had gotten into plenty of mischief together, however. Very likely she recalled things differently.
He smiled at Mara's recommendation that Bao needed more of that activity in his life. Jin was not sure that was true but perhaps. Or maybe the man was quiet about his mischief.
As Bao got up to leave, he felt guilty and relieved all at the same time. Mara's brother had been very polite and under different circumstances Jin would have loved to get to know him. However, he had some explaining to do.
That was on his mind, as he turned to his companion, now snuggled close. Setting the popcorn back onto the table, Jin tilted himself slightly towards her.
"I'd say 'now where were we' but I am quite aware of where we were." Jin smiled. "I suppose I should explain what I meant before." He brushed a light hand over her jaw before wrapping both arms around her.
"Well I cannot claim to be mischief free, myself. I don't think it was normally directed at her though."
They had gotten into plenty of mischief together, however. Very likely she recalled things differently.
He smiled at Mara's recommendation that Bao needed more of that activity in his life. Jin was not sure that was true but perhaps. Or maybe the man was quiet about his mischief.
As Bao got up to leave, he felt guilty and relieved all at the same time. Mara's brother had been very polite and under different circumstances Jin would have loved to get to know him. However, he had some explaining to do.
That was on his mind, as he turned to his companion, now snuggled close. Setting the popcorn back onto the table, Jin tilted himself slightly towards her.
"I'd say 'now where were we' but I am quite aware of where we were." Jin smiled. "I suppose I should explain what I meant before." He brushed a light hand over her jaw before wrapping both arms around her.
Mara
13 years ago
Mara laughed softly. She was aware of where they'd been too... very much so. And it had been something of a blessing, she supposed, that Bao had walked in, for she and Jin had been tumbling head first toward a point at which Mara would inevitably have drawn back from in fear.
Not that she didn't want to reach that place with Jin. She actually found herself wanting it very much. But it wouldn't be right to saddle him with her issues without informing him of them first. He should have the choice to say yes or no to them. She wouldn't blame him in the least if he wanted to walk away.
"I would like it if you did," she said truthfully. "I don't want to... well, to frighten you. At all." Her expression became worried. "I don't want you hurt."
She cuddled back into his arms and tipped her head up, brushing her lips against his jaw. "I want to be what you need," she said, her face reddening once more. Mara wasn't used to voicing such sentiments but she found they seemed to come naturally with Jin. Perhaps because of all they had been through even in the short time they'd known each other.
Not that she didn't want to reach that place with Jin. She actually found herself wanting it very much. But it wouldn't be right to saddle him with her issues without informing him of them first. He should have the choice to say yes or no to them. She wouldn't blame him in the least if he wanted to walk away.
"I would like it if you did," she said truthfully. "I don't want to... well, to frighten you. At all." Her expression became worried. "I don't want you hurt."
She cuddled back into his arms and tipped her head up, brushing her lips against his jaw. "I want to be what you need," she said, her face reddening once more. Mara wasn't used to voicing such sentiments but she found they seemed to come naturally with Jin. Perhaps because of all they had been through even in the short time they'd known each other.
Jin
13 years ago
"Oh, I think you are very much what I need." Jin smiled softly. Her cheeks were beautiful shade of rose when she blushed. The colour looked so natural on her, made her seem so full of life.
"More than that, being with you is what I want." He explained. "Its been so long since I've felt..."
How did he explain what he felt? Excited, happy, overwhelmed, worried when he didn't see her for a few days, elated when he had.. Jin decided he was an emotional mess; it was good but difficult to explain.
He twined his fingers with Mara's. "I care about you. I want to be with you. I didn't expect to feel so much, so quickly." Jin sighed. "But I do and I wouldn't change that for the world. Even though it scares me, a little." His grin was a little shy and embarrassed all in one. How would she react to all he had said?
"More than that, being with you is what I want." He explained. "Its been so long since I've felt..."
How did he explain what he felt? Excited, happy, overwhelmed, worried when he didn't see her for a few days, elated when he had.. Jin decided he was an emotional mess; it was good but difficult to explain.
He twined his fingers with Mara's. "I care about you. I want to be with you. I didn't expect to feel so much, so quickly." Jin sighed. "But I do and I wouldn't change that for the world. Even though it scares me, a little." His grin was a little shy and embarrassed all in one. How would she react to all he had said?
Mara
13 years ago
Mara slipped her fingers into Jin's, the simple touch of his hand every bit as intimate as lying against him had been. Listening to his words and the tone behind them she pressed her face against his chest, still looking up at him, finding it surreal to hear.
She waited quietly until he had finished speaking, nodding her understanding, now, of his statement of fear. She would have been lying if she'd said the suddenness and strength of this relationship didn't terrify her too. Perhaps for different reasons than his, but the feeling was the same.
"I want to be with you too," she admitted in spite of the chill she felt when she said it. You know what you're getting yourself into, Mara, she chastised herself. Pain and heartache and loss. That's what emotions do to people. "I don't think I've ever said that to anyone and meant it this way."
She shook her head. "There's so much you don't know about me Jin," Mara continued. "There are many reasons someone else would be better for you. I don't want to let you down."
There was much they didn't know about each other, really. She thought about his unfinished sentence. It had been so long since he felt... what? And really? But Jin was so warm, and caring. It hurt to think he had ever been alone. Mara didn't know how to express that sentiment.
She raised herself up and, her hand still twined with his, brushed the fingers of her free hand along his cheek. Her fingertips trailed lightly along his jaw and then traced the shape of his mouth before she lifted them away. "You frighten me too, Jin," she said. "Up until now I thought the only person I feared being without was Amir."
Mara shook her head. "Now I try to think of what would happen if I never saw you again after today, and I don't want to. I care about you, too."
She waited quietly until he had finished speaking, nodding her understanding, now, of his statement of fear. She would have been lying if she'd said the suddenness and strength of this relationship didn't terrify her too. Perhaps for different reasons than his, but the feeling was the same.
"I want to be with you too," she admitted in spite of the chill she felt when she said it. You know what you're getting yourself into, Mara, she chastised herself. Pain and heartache and loss. That's what emotions do to people. "I don't think I've ever said that to anyone and meant it this way."
She shook her head. "There's so much you don't know about me Jin," Mara continued. "There are many reasons someone else would be better for you. I don't want to let you down."
There was much they didn't know about each other, really. She thought about his unfinished sentence. It had been so long since he felt... what? And really? But Jin was so warm, and caring. It hurt to think he had ever been alone. Mara didn't know how to express that sentiment.
She raised herself up and, her hand still twined with his, brushed the fingers of her free hand along his cheek. Her fingertips trailed lightly along his jaw and then traced the shape of his mouth before she lifted them away. "You frighten me too, Jin," she said. "Up until now I thought the only person I feared being without was Amir."
Mara shook her head. "Now I try to think of what would happen if I never saw you again after today, and I don't want to. I care about you, too."
Jin
13 years ago
Jin smiled when Mara returned the sentiment. Tension he didn't know he was carrying eased out of his shoulders as she continued to explain. He was not simply an enjoyment of the moment, a diversion that while amusing was not something meant to last.
She said there were things that he didn't know and reasons not to love her. He would like to push those concerns away, to say they didn't matter. Over the years he had learned a hard lesson and that was to listen when people try to tell you about themselves. Often times he found the very flaws that they displayed that caused the relationship to fail were ones that they had shown right from the start. The saying was true that love was blind. If it weren't then you might notice that your love's eyes wander to other men while you speak to her or notice the first signs of an insurmountable jealousy in the tighter grip on your hand as a pretty stranger walks past. Right this moment, Jin had a hard time believing that Mara had any flaws at all.
"I want to believe that there is nothing you could say that would scare me away. You won't let me down for being yourself. What is it that you're worried about?"
Jin smiled into the fingers that traced his lips as he watched her speak. He felt the same way, losing her would be devastating. It was something he did not want to dwell on for very long, especially not with recent events there to haunt him with what could have easily happened. He had not told her that he loved her. It wasn't the right time with all the talk of fears, not yet. It still seemed like too much to express; he was aware that they had not known each other for very long.
She said there were things that he didn't know and reasons not to love her. He would like to push those concerns away, to say they didn't matter. Over the years he had learned a hard lesson and that was to listen when people try to tell you about themselves. Often times he found the very flaws that they displayed that caused the relationship to fail were ones that they had shown right from the start. The saying was true that love was blind. If it weren't then you might notice that your love's eyes wander to other men while you speak to her or notice the first signs of an insurmountable jealousy in the tighter grip on your hand as a pretty stranger walks past. Right this moment, Jin had a hard time believing that Mara had any flaws at all.
"I want to believe that there is nothing you could say that would scare me away. You won't let me down for being yourself. What is it that you're worried about?"
Jin smiled into the fingers that traced his lips as he watched her speak. He felt the same way, losing her would be devastating. It was something he did not want to dwell on for very long, especially not with recent events there to haunt him with what could have easily happened. He had not told her that he loved her. It wasn't the right time with all the talk of fears, not yet. It still seemed like too much to express; he was aware that they had not known each other for very long.
Mara
13 years ago
Mara smiled softly at Jin. "Scare you, maybe not. But if you choose to walk away after you know everything about me, I won't hold it against you."
She didn't know where to begin. She didn't want to have this conversation, didn't want to lay her worries and fears out there for Jin right off the bat. But Mara was beyond the point at which she could easily push him away without risking her selfish self. Jin deserved to have truth. He deserved to make his choices fully informed.
So she took a deep breath and said, "I've never had any sort of lasting relationship. With anyone. Not like this." She kept her hands in contact with him as she spoke; touching him seemed important. "Usually I leave before I can get hurt."
Mara wrinkled her nose at herself. "It's easier," she tried to explain. "Otherwise it hurts all the more when you care about someone and they leave you instead."
It sounded horrible to her. Selfish and self-serving. Petty and small. "I'm afraid of what will happen when you go," she said, dropping her voice to a whisper. "Everyone goes. I worry you'll take some part of me with you that I can't get back."
She wrapped her arms around Jin's neck and pressed her forehead to his. "You see?" She laughed a little. "I haven't even given you a chance and in my head you're gone for greener pastures. I'm not fair."
There was more to it; Mara was afraid to address it now but well, in for a nickel in for a dime right?
"And what we were doing before Bao... interrupted," she said hesitantly. "It's not me either. It frightens me. I know you won't hurt me but even if time heals all wounds, it still leaves scars."
Mara buried her face in Jin's neck, worried that she may already have pushed him away. "I want all of this not to matter," she concluded. "I want to be what you want and what you need. I'm so afraid I won't measure up, though, Jin. I'm not good at this."
It seemed like there was so much more to say, but she wanted Jin to have a chance to soak in everything she'd said. He might not want a barrel full of issues dumped in his lap. He had enough going on to worry about Mara's insecurities on top of it. And if he did decide to leave... it made Mara's breath hitch in her throat. It would hurt. So badly. Jin could destroy her without saying so much as a word. He made her feel alive, special, whole, and he could take it all away again very easily and leave her worse off than before.
It was a terrifying prospect, acknowledging that someone had that sort of power over you. But while Mara might fear her own emotions, she didn't usually deny them. Jin had that power, and she had let him have it. If it hurt, she had only herself to blame.
She didn't know where to begin. She didn't want to have this conversation, didn't want to lay her worries and fears out there for Jin right off the bat. But Mara was beyond the point at which she could easily push him away without risking her selfish self. Jin deserved to have truth. He deserved to make his choices fully informed.
So she took a deep breath and said, "I've never had any sort of lasting relationship. With anyone. Not like this." She kept her hands in contact with him as she spoke; touching him seemed important. "Usually I leave before I can get hurt."
Mara wrinkled her nose at herself. "It's easier," she tried to explain. "Otherwise it hurts all the more when you care about someone and they leave you instead."
It sounded horrible to her. Selfish and self-serving. Petty and small. "I'm afraid of what will happen when you go," she said, dropping her voice to a whisper. "Everyone goes. I worry you'll take some part of me with you that I can't get back."
She wrapped her arms around Jin's neck and pressed her forehead to his. "You see?" She laughed a little. "I haven't even given you a chance and in my head you're gone for greener pastures. I'm not fair."
There was more to it; Mara was afraid to address it now but well, in for a nickel in for a dime right?
"And what we were doing before Bao... interrupted," she said hesitantly. "It's not me either. It frightens me. I know you won't hurt me but even if time heals all wounds, it still leaves scars."
Mara buried her face in Jin's neck, worried that she may already have pushed him away. "I want all of this not to matter," she concluded. "I want to be what you want and what you need. I'm so afraid I won't measure up, though, Jin. I'm not good at this."
It seemed like there was so much more to say, but she wanted Jin to have a chance to soak in everything she'd said. He might not want a barrel full of issues dumped in his lap. He had enough going on to worry about Mara's insecurities on top of it. And if he did decide to leave... it made Mara's breath hitch in her throat. It would hurt. So badly. Jin could destroy her without saying so much as a word. He made her feel alive, special, whole, and he could take it all away again very easily and leave her worse off than before.
It was a terrifying prospect, acknowledging that someone had that sort of power over you. But while Mara might fear her own emotions, she didn't usually deny them. Jin had that power, and she had let him have it. If it hurt, she had only herself to blame.
Jin
13 years ago
He listened to Mara and he knew that the words were difficult to say. Confessions of the heart were rarely easy. It surprised him that she stayed away from relationships. It seemed against the lively, fun loving person that he knew. However, when Jin really thought about it, those shy moments when they first met, those times when she pulled away when strangers were near, all started to show a part of her that he hadn't much noticed. Jin's thoughts tumbled backward and he wondered when she truly decided that he was trustworthy. Certainly Amir vouched for him; the fact that he asked Jin to bring her to the party said a great deal. However, being told a thing was entirely different from seeing it for yourself.
Jin wondered which moment, if there was 'a moment', that he had to be thankful for her trust. Was it when he was babbling in a drugged stupor or sometime before that? Ruefully, he felt heartened by all she had already seen of him; if Mara still wanted to be around him after their previous encounters then he considered her a brave and possibly insane woman.
He held her close, wanting her to know that he was here and not going anywhere else.
"I understand. We see so much with the passage of time. I don't intend to leave you, certainly not by choice." Jin leaned down and kissed her forehead lightly. "I would like to promise that I wouldn't abandon you any other way either but our work is dangerous, as you know." Running his fingers through her hair, he combed it gently away from her face. " I suppose it is a risk, such things always are. I would like to think I am more resilient than most, if that counts for anything." He smiled slightly but there was truth to his words.
"As to your other concern. We have time, Mara, plenty of time. There is no need to worry, being with you is a joy. And whatever happens between us is a journey we're on together; I don't need to rush to some specific destination."
Pulling her gently away from him so he could look into those beautiful eyes, Jin spoke softly but firmly.
"You are what I need. I believe that with all my heart."
Jin wondered which moment, if there was 'a moment', that he had to be thankful for her trust. Was it when he was babbling in a drugged stupor or sometime before that? Ruefully, he felt heartened by all she had already seen of him; if Mara still wanted to be around him after their previous encounters then he considered her a brave and possibly insane woman.
He held her close, wanting her to know that he was here and not going anywhere else.
"I understand. We see so much with the passage of time. I don't intend to leave you, certainly not by choice." Jin leaned down and kissed her forehead lightly. "I would like to promise that I wouldn't abandon you any other way either but our work is dangerous, as you know." Running his fingers through her hair, he combed it gently away from her face. " I suppose it is a risk, such things always are. I would like to think I am more resilient than most, if that counts for anything." He smiled slightly but there was truth to his words.
"As to your other concern. We have time, Mara, plenty of time. There is no need to worry, being with you is a joy. And whatever happens between us is a journey we're on together; I don't need to rush to some specific destination."
Pulling her gently away from him so he could look into those beautiful eyes, Jin spoke softly but firmly.
"You are what I need. I believe that with all my heart."
Mara
13 years ago
Mara smiled, nodding her head when Jin spoke. It all came down to trust again, didn't it though? Anyone could speak words of reassurance, promise, faith. Mara didn't think Jin was the type to say them without meaning them. In fact, she knew he wasn't. But what the heart felt today and what the heart felt tomorrow, or a week from now, or a month from now, could be very different things.
Trusting was like standing on the edge of a tall building wondering if someone was going to catch you when you jumped. You had to give trust first, and then you had to wait to see the results. It was a terrifying realm to Mara, who preferred to know what was going to happen before she took action.
The other alternative, however, would be not having Jin there. Not feeling his arms around her. Not being able to kiss him. Having crossed that line some time ago, Mara knew she didn't want to be back on the other side of it.
She closed her eyes tightly when he addressed the issue of her other fear. It was impossible for her to describe the way it felt, to have terror and desire all tangled up inside of her. She wanted to be close to him. It was so much easier to do when it was one night, spontaneous, unexpected, with no strings attached. She didn't want that with Jin.
A little distance away from him now as he pulled her, she opened her eyes and smiled softly into his dark, dark ones. Mara tried to memorize the expression on his face at that moment. Jin wouldn't say those words unless he meant them. But how could he feel so strongly so soon? How could she?
Well - she knew how she could. Jin was wonderful, that was how. Jin was thoughtful and kind and who on earth wouldn't kill to be in her shoes? Jin surely deserved better than someone's discarded whore, though. Mara rolled her eyes at herself, internally, as that idea resonated in her head. Her life as a human did not define her life as a vampire. She would do her best to be good enough; Jin was old enough to know his own mind.
Mara shook her head, grasping at Jin's hands. "I want to believe that too," she said. "There just might be some nights when you need to believe it for both of us. I'll try to keep them to a minimum though."
Trusting was like standing on the edge of a tall building wondering if someone was going to catch you when you jumped. You had to give trust first, and then you had to wait to see the results. It was a terrifying realm to Mara, who preferred to know what was going to happen before she took action.
The other alternative, however, would be not having Jin there. Not feeling his arms around her. Not being able to kiss him. Having crossed that line some time ago, Mara knew she didn't want to be back on the other side of it.
She closed her eyes tightly when he addressed the issue of her other fear. It was impossible for her to describe the way it felt, to have terror and desire all tangled up inside of her. She wanted to be close to him. It was so much easier to do when it was one night, spontaneous, unexpected, with no strings attached. She didn't want that with Jin.
A little distance away from him now as he pulled her, she opened her eyes and smiled softly into his dark, dark ones. Mara tried to memorize the expression on his face at that moment. Jin wouldn't say those words unless he meant them. But how could he feel so strongly so soon? How could she?
Well - she knew how she could. Jin was wonderful, that was how. Jin was thoughtful and kind and who on earth wouldn't kill to be in her shoes? Jin surely deserved better than someone's discarded whore, though. Mara rolled her eyes at herself, internally, as that idea resonated in her head. Her life as a human did not define her life as a vampire. She would do her best to be good enough; Jin was old enough to know his own mind.
Mara shook her head, grasping at Jin's hands. "I want to believe that too," she said. "There just might be some nights when you need to believe it for both of us. I'll try to keep them to a minimum though."
Jin
13 years ago
Jin smiled, giving her a small nod.
"I believe I can manage that."
Having spoken his mind, ill timed as it turned out to be, and then having explained what he meant, Jin was content to leave everything else for later. He was certain there would need to be more heartfelt discussions about what they wanted in a relationship but it didn't need to be now. Honestly, he was too tired to do such a discussion the justice it deserved.
He looked over at the movie they were missing, again. Scooting down to rest his head against one of the pillows, Jin reached his arms out to Mara.
"I think we might have to finish "Despicable Me" later. Shall we try to get a few hours of sleep?"
Here, where he could hold her. Maybe it would help them both rest more easily. Night would fall soon enough and then there would be things that needed doing. For now though, he was content to simply be close to Mara, conscious or not.
"I believe I can manage that."
Having spoken his mind, ill timed as it turned out to be, and then having explained what he meant, Jin was content to leave everything else for later. He was certain there would need to be more heartfelt discussions about what they wanted in a relationship but it didn't need to be now. Honestly, he was too tired to do such a discussion the justice it deserved.
He looked over at the movie they were missing, again. Scooting down to rest his head against one of the pillows, Jin reached his arms out to Mara.
"I think we might have to finish "Despicable Me" later. Shall we try to get a few hours of sleep?"
Here, where he could hold her. Maybe it would help them both rest more easily. Night would fall soon enough and then there would be things that needed doing. For now though, he was content to simply be close to Mara, conscious or not.
Mara
13 years ago
Mara leaned forward and brushed her lips against Jin's. "I think you manage most things better than you think," she said. She only hoped he would be able to rely on her for some of them, too. Trust had to go both ways after all.
As before, at Shades' she was unable to resist when Jin held his arms out to her like that. The silent request was one that she couldn't and didn't want to deny. Leaning across him briefly, Mara turned the TV off, then turned the already dimmed lights down to nothing as well.
Settling herself into Jin's waiting arms Mara curled up against him, her head pillowed on his shoulder and her legs comfortably tangled with his. She pulled the blanket up over them both and then wrapped her arm around his waist beneath it. Supremely comfortable, demons definitely held at bay for the time being, she closed her eyes.
For the second time that week Mara fell asleep with Jin there, holding her close. If it had been comforting the first time, it was even more so now. Would there come a time when she couldn't sleep unless it was just like this? Mara wasn't sure; she'd never slept with anyone long enough to know. But if Jin claimed he wasn't going anywhere, Mara supposed she might just find out. The idea made her smile a little as she drifted off.
((ooc: both out))
As before, at Shades' she was unable to resist when Jin held his arms out to her like that. The silent request was one that she couldn't and didn't want to deny. Leaning across him briefly, Mara turned the TV off, then turned the already dimmed lights down to nothing as well.
Settling herself into Jin's waiting arms Mara curled up against him, her head pillowed on his shoulder and her legs comfortably tangled with his. She pulled the blanket up over them both and then wrapped her arm around his waist beneath it. Supremely comfortable, demons definitely held at bay for the time being, she closed her eyes.
For the second time that week Mara fell asleep with Jin there, holding her close. If it had been comforting the first time, it was even more so now. Would there come a time when she couldn't sleep unless it was just like this? Mara wasn't sure; she'd never slept with anyone long enough to know. But if Jin claimed he wasn't going anywhere, Mara supposed she might just find out. The idea made her smile a little as she drifted off.
((ooc: both out))