Risk Assessment

He was rapidly coming to the conclusion that his lover was evil... as devilishly teasing as he, himself, had been earlier. If he were in a fair mood, Alfarinn would definitely say he deserved such mischief and then some. Really, he had to admit that now... but the hand simply holding him was likely to drive him mad.

Alfarinn did his best not to squirm; it seemed unfair when Thaddeus had gone through his playfulness with dignity and grace. He did however, feel that it was within some set of unwritten rules to tease in return. He gave his lover's neck a playful lick, tasting water and sweat on the warm skin. It was merely a prelude to bigger plans...

As he finished though, Thaddeus pressed his cheek against his neck and began moving the hand wrapped around him. It would seem that he would have to recant his earlier assessment; Thaddeus was far less evil than he had been. His lover was, in fact, a saint and as the long strokes began to move in time to his rhythm, Alfarinn felt that Thaddeus was indeed a godsend. Feeling his lover inside him,beneath him and around him was going to quickly be too much for him to bare. Alfarinn was determined that Thaddeus would reach that point before him and that it would be well worth the waiting.

To that end, he pushed himself tightly against Thaddeus, feeling them glid against one another in the warm bubbling water. He then kissed his lover once before carefully sinking his fangs in the neck tilted so invitingly before him.

Thaddeus had known this entire time that he didn’t really stand a chance but that fact was never more clear to him than when Alfarinn ran his tongue along his neck. He made a soft sound somewhere between a moan and a whine, clutching tightly with one hand as he stroked insistently with the other, knowing this was the end of the line for him and more than ready to meet with inevitability, wanting this beyond all sense and reason. If Alfarinn bit him now, he reasoned, his lover was –asking- him to let go and succumb to bliss.

He opened his eyes a fraction and half whispered, half growled his lover’s name, not sure if he was warning or begging or simply saying the only thing that made any sort of sense in his mind. Whatever else he might have intended to say was washed away by a tender kiss to his neck that made him shudder in helpless anticipation. His eyes slammed closed and white exploded behind them when Alfarinn sank his fangs into his skin. One last moan and then he was consumed by pure ecstasy breaking over him in waves of pleasure. He shuddered and gasped and clung tightly to Alfarinn, buried his face into cool skin and forgot all else save the moment with his lover in his arms, wrapped around him , feeling each other more deeply than should have been possible save through their bond, and their love.

Thaddeus was making it very difficult to think clearly. The frenzied pace of the hand stroking him nearly broke his resolve. Surrendering to such pleasure would not be the worst thing that could happen; he simply wanted it to be his companion's moment, to take pleasure solely in his lover's pleasure.

The sound of his name tugged at the very heart of him. It was as though Thaddeus' voice reverberated deep inside his chest; in there was a feeling that was so full of love and affection as to almost be an ache. And even among their more physical actions Alfarinn felt the desire to express, in whatever way he could, how much he loved and cherished this most remarkable man.

Biting down and feeling that sweet blood flow into his mouth was another kind of pleasure all together. The bond became more vivid; the constant closeness between them kept it stronger than any other he'd ever known. He took but a taste, drawing just once against his lover's neck before letting the wound close as he leaned against it and simply held on to Thaddeus.

His lover's ecstasy was more than he could bear along with all the prior encouragement and it was all Alfarinn could do to reach a hand up and drag a towel down into the water. He held it against him with one hand, the other wrapping around Thaddeus' shoulder as his body convulsed with the release brought on by their combined desires and passions. It seemed like an eternity passed before he could move again.

Pulling his head up from his lover's shoulder, Alfarinn gave Thaddeus a weak but content smile. Slowly raising himself up, he slid off Thaddeus to kneel on the floor of the tub and used the towel to gently clean his companion before setting it up on the side. Drapping an arm around Thaddeus' waist, Alfarinn stayed on the floor and laid his head high on his lover's chest with a relaxed sigh. He rubbed his cheek against the warm skin beneath it before becoming still once more.

"Mmmm...I love you, Thaddeus Grey."Â?

Thaddeus was in no real rush to return to the world outside of being wrapped up in his lover’s arms, and fortunately Alfarinn seemed to be in the same state of peaceful contentment. He made a soft hum of lazy satisfaction and gently dragged his fingertips down the smooth cool skin of Alfarinn’s back; the other hand reluctantly released its hold completely and wandered around to join its mate, holding on and drinking in a moment of quiet after stormy passion.

Eventually Alfarinn moved above him and he was compelled to open his eyes. He was, however, rewarded for his effort with a truly charming smile that he returned with a pleased, if slightly dazed, grin. Sighing softly and relaxing his hold as that comforting weight left him, he turned his head to one side and made a half hearted reach for the towel, which Alfarinn elected not to give up. Smiling slightly, he instead reached out for Alfarinn himself, and this time his lover was much more willing to cooperate after a moment devoted to practicalities. He draped the arm he had used to invite Alfarinn closer around his shoulders and closed his eyes again, taking in the feel of the jets that he had almost entirely forgotten about and stroking his lover’s hair.

His eyes opened again at his lover’s next words and he was sure his heartbeat picked up at what he heard. He wasn’t sure why that simple statement that by now really ought to be obvious should hit him as hard as it did but the effect was wrenching, wonderful and nearly painful all at once.

He held on more tightly for a moment, until he realized he was likely squeezing the life out of his lover. Alfarinn was liable to suspect there was something wrong if he completely fell to pieces over an ‘I love you.’ His voice, when he trusted himself to speak, came out soft but clear.

“I love you too, Alfarinn.” He kissed the top of Alfarinn’s head to further assert that point, then fell quiet for a long moment, thinking. It was difficult to get terribly worked up with worry over anything after an experience like that but he felt…troubled…at the idea of delaying much longer in his explanation. He prodded his conscience and discovered that while he didn’t feel terribly guilty for devoting some time to simply relaxing and enjoying each other, it would be very wrong to carry on under false premises. He’d very much needed that physical connection and reassurance to put everything in perspective and stop worrying that Alfarinn would up and leave him after hearing this element of his past. He imagined that at some level Alfarinn had understood that and in truth, they needed each other, especially after a day like today.

He blinked, realizing he had been staring up at the sky for the last several moments without registering anything, and looked down at Alfarinn, smiling lightly.

“You can’t be comfortable like that…”

Alfarinn tilted his head up without removing it from Thaddeus' chest in order to give his lover a curious look. He was not certain what to make of his partner's reaction but he was being held more tightly and that was wonderful. Leaning back down, he gave the skin beneath him a reassuring kiss before closing his eyes.

He lay there letting the nothingness of thought linger for as long as it would. Thaddeus' emotions flickered over him and Alfarinn could tell that his companion was worried once more. Sensing that feeling to a much lesser degree than before reassured him that their lovemaking had been beneficial and not simply self indulgent on his part. Thaddeus had not seemed in any mood to tell him whatever it was that was on his mind and he might not even now but it was possible that his lover had planned to talk despite his feelings and that Alfarinn pushed something serious away for his own ends. Had he been selfish? Did he need their physical union more than his companion? He reasoned that his partner had not turned him away; in fact, though it was sometimes difficult to remember who instigated what when it came to the two of them, Alfarinn remembered that it was Thaddeus who first brought up the idea of his fantasies. Reassured by his recollection but more so by his lover's more tranquil state, Alfarinn let the thought go. Thaddeus would tell him when he was ready. His lover's words roused him from his musing and he replied lazily,grinning as he did so.

"... Can too."Â?

Thaddeus had been too irresistible to leave even for a moment and most of him was quite content to stay where he was. In truth, he had been on his knees in one fashion or another for quite some time now, and though the position often times had it perks, he could do with getting up and off them.

Standing up with the aid of the edge of the lounge seat, Alfarinn put his hands on his hips and looked down at his companion and then around at the rest of the tub.

"Hmm... where to sit...where to sit..."Â?

In a more playful mood, he might have plopped down on top of his companion, trusting the water to keep him from being too big of a burden. Deciding rather quickly on a preferred seating arrangement, Alfarinn scooped up his lover and returned to the wave bench. He settled comfortably stretching his legs out in front of him crossed at the ankles with Thaddeus in his lap. There was room enough on the seat for the both of them and then some but Alfarinn preferred holding Thaddeus close. Of course he'd not argue if his lover wanted to move to the bench.

"Is this better?"Â?

He nuzzled Thaddeus' neck and gave it a gentle kiss before adding.

"Or would you prefer to get out?"Â?

It had occurred to him that Thaddeus might be quite done with the warm water and ready for something else. He cast a glance over at the pool but currently didn't feel inclined to move, much less cool off by further exertion, besides he was still cool enough.

Thaddeus smiled a little at Alfarinn’s rebellious disagreement and raised one eyebrow as he watched his lover stand up. He looked so tall and majestic this way, standing over him with water streaming down that leanly muscled torso, and Thaddeus was quite content to enjoy the view until Alfarinn leaned over and lifted him up.

Sighing as they settled down into a seat once more, he turned until he had both of his legs to one side of Alfarinn’s and his head comfortably buried in one shoulder, his hand on the other.

“No, no this is quite nice…”

God, did he need a gold plated invitation already? He took another moment to snuggle in, searching for something comfortable rather than sensual, then bit down on his lower lip, thinking of where to begin, Finally deciding the beginning made the most sense, he absently took a strand of hair between his fingers and spoke in a voice that was both quiet and grave.

“I’m assuming you know, or know of, Sir Thomas Marke?”

He imagined they might have known each other to some extent before Alfarinn left to form Evenhet but even if that was not the case it would be hard for someone in his lover’s position to avoid knowing about Thomas Marke now. In fact, Thaddeus reflected dryly, they might all have Marke to thank for the clan split, along with who knows what else. The man was a manipulative puppet master whose constant goal was to provide himself amusement. He was also a notorious gossip and thus a worthwhile informant…when he chose to be.

Alfarinn smiled and held Thaddeus close as his lover settled himself more comfortably. They had nothing but time for once in their relationship. The activity of the day had settled to waiting for an opportunity to continue their pursuit of the truth. Now was a time to recoup and it seemed to him that they were using it wisely.

He remained silent as his lover warred within himself. Alfarinn could feel the tension and almost hear the furious thinking of his companion. Stroking his lover's back with light fingers, he waited for Thaddeus to decide what he wanted to do.

The question was something he had not expected but the person was known. Alfarinn frowned, wondering what Marke had to do with this story. He understood easily how a familiarity with the man could have led to his companion's difficulties.

"Yes... I know him."Â?

There was no need to go into the details. It would seem they both had an understanding of whom they were referring to. He should not hinder his lover's explanation with his own experiences or questions.... save one.

"What does he have to do with this?"Â?

Thaddeus nodded as Alfarinn confirmed his query and while in a way he was curious as to what his companion might have to say about Marke, he imagined he could take a safe guess as to Alfarinn’s overall opinion of the man.

“Oh very little,” he said, his tone nervous and odd now, “save that it was at his club that I met Eric Gould Senior.”

Here he paused, wondering what needed to be included and what should be left out for the sake of clarity and speed, but not wanting to edit history to put himself in a better light. He gave an inward sigh, thinking it was only going to get worse from this admission on down.

“I was something of a regular at that club. Marke and I had an understanding in those days.” He shrugged a little, not really knowing what to say about that as he knew Alfarinn would hardly approve. “Gould Senior and his friends might have been watching the place for weeks, I don’t know. Marke always kept such…eclectic company and it wasn’t unusual to see new faces in the club, but I generally had the assurance of knowing that anyone that walked through the doors was cleared by Mr. Pitthe, who at least in the time I knew him was not one to be reasoned with or bribed.”

Shifting his weight a little, he unconsciously snuggled closer. They were already heading into territory where he didn’t have all the answers. He realized that he –could- have more information than he did if he had bothered looking into the matter after the fact and saying that he hadn’t wanted to think about it seemed a poor excuse. In the end, though, there was nothing to do but move forward.

“I don’t know why they chose me to pull aside other than the surface reasons. I look young. I was the least…decadent person there. I usually made my way to the library after meeting with Marke rather than drinking or otherwise…well, I suppose you get the idea. I looked fairly harmless compared to some of the others there.”

He sighed and reached up to rake his fingers through his hair, staring out into the water for a long moment before continuing.

“All that having been said…I made a series of very bad decisions that night. So did they, for that matter, but I should have known better. The first bad decision,” he hesitated before amending that statement slightly “arguably…was taking Eric Gould in good faith.”

He shrugged, not sure what he could say about that either.

“I did the stupid thing. I followed the shady men into the dark alley.” He rolled his eyes. “Well, alright, not literally, but it was pretty much just as bad. They had a story, curiosity got the better of me, and soon I was leaving the club with a group of men who, unbeknownst to me, were trying to find their lost son. And the one who made him.”

He bit down on his lower lip but resisted the impulse to toy with it. Then, with a single ironic chuckle, he explained. “They told me they had an antique book that couldn't be moved for fear of damaging it. They asked if I might have a look.” Another dark laugh. “They certainly had my number, I’ll give them that.”

Alfarinn listened in silence, only nodding his head about Marke's club. He did not like the idea of Thaddeus having repeated dealings with the devil himself but had to admit that his lover was a grown man several times over and that he couldn't be over protective for everything. Thaddeus was at least an Anantya; to his knowledge, Marke had never been outright disloyal to his clan, even if the man might disagree with his own elders as to what constituted -good- for Anantya. The local eccentric had never gotten caught doing anything that would get him tossed out on his ear...which was a very long cry from making him a decent person.

He frowned in confusion when Thaddeus mentioned Eric Gould Sr. So Marke allowed a group of humans into his club to witness his odd menagerie of vampires? It seemed highly possible and of course Marke would have known exactly who they were and would have enjoyed the knowledge that vampires were parading in front of the humans without either's knowledge, or some such thing. Perhaps he knew what Eric Gould Sr wanted and the whole thing was a novel little drama for his amusement.

Putting his arm back around Thaddeus when his companion moved closer, Alfarinn hugged him tightly for a moment in reassurance. It angered him that someone would take advantage of his lover's youth and good manners and further that they probably had inadvertently picked the youngest there by assuming on appearances.

Thaddeus' self antagonism was hurtful to hear and Alfarinn leaned down to kiss his lover on the forehead. He spoke quietly at last, not wanting to interrupt his companion's story but unable to keep silent.

"We all make mistakes, Beloved. Trust makes you feel foolish and angry with yourself but all in all it is a more noble mistake than most and one that everyone has made at least once."Â?

This was Sorin's fault; he should have suffered not Thaddeus. A group of men, humans, looking for the vampire responsible for creating Eric Gould Jr and the missing son. Desperation made all creatures bold and dangerous. Evenhet knew not to underestimate humans but Marke would have considered them interesting oddities and nothing more. Two older vampires who should have known better and yet Thaddeus was the one they found. These men took advantage of his lover's curiosity and good faith, that angered him more.

He fell back into silence, dreading the rest but knowing that he needed to hear it and that his partner needed to tell it. Alfarinn longed to tell Thaddeus that it was okay but they would have been hollow words spoken in the unknowing dark. Instead he wrapped one hand over the one on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. He was here for Thaddeus for whatever that was worth after the fact. He was here now.

Thaddeus, sensing his lover’s confusion, was beginning to suspect that his retelling was going awry and paused, trying to think of how to make sense of his own story. The trouble was that most of it was senseless, for one, and the holes in his knowledge were even more gaping than he had initially believed.

He closed his eyes, letting Alfarinn’s voice wash over him along with the complicated mix of emotions he could trace through the bond. Perhaps now he could understand what Alfarinn had meant when he had claimed that being an empath wasn’t always all that helpful in relationships; in the end he still had to take his lover’s words at face value. There was still a leap of faith involved in all of this and it was the strength of their relationship more than anything else that made that leap manageable.

While Alfarinn’s turning that first terrible choice into something noble on his part concerned him a little, he was glad in a way that his companion acknowledged it was a mistake. He would have felt dishonest otherwise.

Opening his eyes, he reached up and touched Alfarinn’s cheek. A part of him bitterly thought that he had paid a rather high price for his common mistake but that was the way of the world, he supposed, and railing against that was the very definition of futility.

Instead, he smiled, even if it was a bit strained, and whispered softly.

“Regardless of what happened, I saw the other side of it. I met you. I have a good life,” his smile warmed “and I’m grateful for every second.” He bit down on his lip, thinking. “Yes, this left me feeling foolish and angry and, I don’t know, a whole host of things I didn’t know how to deal with, and I suppose that’s going to come out in the telling no matter how much I try to keep this to a rational recounting. But I don’t want you to think…” He grasped for words for a moment, frustrated to find that they weren’t coming easily now. “…I’m…” Crazy? Fat chance of that if you don’t stop rambling, Grey. “…still angry. Or unhappy.” Sighing through his nose in a frustrated manner, he decided perhaps it was best to get on with his tale.

“In any case. I followed the men to an office building downtown that they claimed belonged to one of the party members. They showed me to a small room and unlocked a display case with a book inside.” He paused, remembering, putting himself back in that room he had made every effort not to think about for the past fifty odd years. He was surprised at how clearly he remembered everything. “I didn’t know there was anything wrong until the book was in my hands and even as quickly as I turned around I still wasn’t in time to stop the shots from firing.” That part always played back in his mind so slowly; it seemed he had forever to get across the room, overpower the man with the gun, and get through the still partially open door, but in his memories he was always moving so –slow- even as everything around him happened so quickly. “They overpowered me.” They had obviously been ready for this. Perhaps there was some signal between the party members at which they all sprung to life – one shooting, the others falling on him immediately afterward. “They took my dagger away.” He could remember the moment he felt the catches around his calf snap away, releasing the scabbard, which fell to the floor before being kicked away by one of the thugs. He shook his head to clear it and looked to Alfarinn, his voice much less distant now.

“That was the dagger we found in Sorin’s apartment,” He explained, then paused to let that sink in. At least –that- was explained now, and for some reason that milestone made him feel better. “Then they blindfolded me, which…I should explain. I was still fairly new to having command and relied on eye contact to be fully effective. They couldn’t have known how much they crippled me – I think they were just trying to keep me scared and confused.” He reflected on that for a moment. “Actually they succeeded there too.” He could not quite manage even a dark laugh at this but did pull off an ironic little smirk. “They succeeded –grandly- with that.”

Now he was not remembering so much as trying to keep his mind absolutely blank. It was hard to keep those little flashes of recall completely at bay, though, as he went on. He could remember people’s voices, and the way the room smelled steely with blood. He could remember, in a way that was nearly overpowering, the clink of the handcuffs against the metal chair. “Really, it was an odd situation. In many ways it felt like amateur hour but in other ways they were frightfully good. Part of it was the mixed group. There was the frantic father, Eric Gould, and his doctor friend. At least, they all called him Doc and he seemed to know his medical jargon. Then there were a couple of thugs that I’m guessing were hired…and a man that I strongly suspect was a vampire hunter. In any case, they were an effective enough physical team but when it came to interrogation they were too much of a mixed bag to make it work. Too much in-fighting and conflicting styles…and I can’t believe I’m critiquing their methods of questioning. My point is that they had a loose idea of how to catch me and keep me but not much of a clue of what to do with me once they had me. Well, beyond…but that’s not…mmm.” He didn’t feel any need to do his captors justice by talking about their occasionally creative and always brutal torture techniques. At this point he imagined Alfarinn could put two and two together and it would just be unkind to get into the graphic details.

Also, he would admit, he didn’t want to talk about that and it wasn’t relevant anyway. “This might have been part of the reason I ended up in their company for three days. Terrible lack of organization, really. I remember wondering…” He winced a little, not liking the direction he was going in. “…well, I suppose I wondered a great many things. I even wondered where Eric Gould Jr. was, and wished I knew. At the same time I was unbelievably grateful that I didn’t know, because otherwise I would have told them.” He shrugged, realizing that didn’t make much sense. But there it was – an ugly truth if he ever saw one, but at least it was an open one now.

“It was in-fighting that, in part, led to my escape. One of the thugs got his hand carelessly close to my teeth, which was rather ill advised under any circumstances but at that time in particular…well. I must admit I gave them all more of a scare than I had intended to. They weren’t sure of exactly what happened to bite victims, you see.

I managed to break free of the chair during their violent quarrel,” he felt a sick twist at the understatement –there- but plowed relentlessly on “but they were blocking the door and I was caught in a not much improved situation.

Fortunately at that moment the door shattered and there behind it was Mai.”

He had thought, in that moment, that he had completely lost his mind. In a way, he had, but Mai was real enough, as was what followed.

If he could just tell Alfarinn what followed…then at least everything would make sense.

Unfortunately his throat chose that moment to close up. He gestured, let his hand drop with a hard slap on the surface of the water. Trying harder to say –anything- was only making it more difficult to speak. Instead, he took a steadying breath and waited to restore some semblance of calm before speaking again at last.

“Mai and I were the only ones who walked out of that room alive. It was…” He had a startlingly vivid memory of sitting slumped on the floor, taking in the carnage and trying to comprehend the reality of it in his dazed state. “…a slaughter.” Not sure how to say what he had to say, the words came out sounding small to his ears. “I don’t remember everything after that. I know I killed Eric Gould because…I remember the rush of realizing I was going to live when I bit into his throat. And I remember the realization that he was not.” It was agonizing, getting those last few words out, and this time he did not feel better for having explained. He felt his chest go tight again and spoke through it this time, ripping the words out and wanting nothing more than to be done with them. “We left. We didn’t even…I don’t remember taking care of anything at all, we just left. I told Sorin what had happened and…I thought…he took care of everything. I tried to look into the matter for myself but quickly discovered nursing an obsession was liable to make me even more crazy than I already was. And it was finished. Sorin had come home with blood on his sleeves and…it was over. I thought it was over.”

There might, he thought, be more he would have to explain – some detail he had missed in this telling, some matter to clarify – but he couldn’t think of anything more at the moment. He let his head fall limply onto Alfarinn’s shoulder in a gesture of exhaustion.

It was now no wonder that his companion had no trust for humankind and Alfarinn knew now some of the horrible truth he had suspected early on. He regretted being so cavalier about his ideas that night in the club; to most vampires the idea of suffering at the hands of humans was an academic horror at worst to be safely discussed in the hypothetical future. What if they learned the truth? What if they chose to hunt us all? How dreadfully awful! Victor, could you pass that blood bag?

Alfarinn smiled faintly at Thaddeus' explanation. It touched him that Thaddeus was concerned for his feelings even during such a recounting as this. The smile warmed into something more real when his lover said he was happy with the present and he bent down to gently kiss the lip Thaddeus had just bitten.

He still thought Thaddeus was being terribly hard on himself for being curious, naïve and perhaps a touch too brave. Alfarinn knew that he was here by the good grace of the Gods more than his own good sense. Agreeing quietly he said.

"I am very grateful that the powers that be did not listen all those times I longed for my life to end. They knew much better than I that being with you would be worth several thousand more years of hardship and loneliness just to know you."Â?

He was doing what he said that he would not do which was distract Thaddeus from his explanation. Alfarinn settled his arms around his companion and fell silent again when Thaddeus continued. He could see the scene in his mind and watched it in horror as his unsuspecting companion was led to a case with a book, taking it in his hands and frowning in confusion. That lovely thoughtful expression of his lover's was so real in his mind and so precious to him, his brow furrowed in an effort to fully understand a thing. Alfarinn held on to the silent moment for as long as he could but his lover's words continued on relentlessly. So did the image in his head...shots fired... Alfarinn jumped and turned away from the vision that he couldn't escape seeing, holding Thaddeus tighter as his lover's blood spilled down crisp clean clothes, the moment of peace destroyed by the harsh sound of a gun.

It continued as Thaddeus, rather calmly for such a story, spoke of the events. His lover beset by how many men? Alfarinn's mind conjured at least half a dozen knocking his beloved to the dusty blood stained floor. The fear and anger he must have felt at being so strong and yet rendered so helpless by sheer numbers. Had that not been Thaddeus' argument in the club? Humans would always out number them and would never have the same need for them that they had for mortals. It was in the face of such truths that his own goals looked like nothing more than a child's dream of world wide peace and harmony. Can't we all just get along? He thought bitterly of how unrealistic such ideas seemed.

Alfarinn nodded mutely in understanding of where the dagger was and why his lover wished for him not to touch it. Thaddeus had been thinking of him then too in the face of such an awful discovery. The visions had lingered in the back of his mind at his lover's pause to speak of the dagger. He drank in the sight of Thaddeus whole and sound in his arms like the vision of an oasis to a dieing man in the desert.

But his companion had more to tell. A blindfolded Thaddeus replaced the one before him and Alfarinn felt tears of sympathy and frustrated anger blur his vision. The mental image was of course remarkably clear as Thaddeus explained its horrible purpose. His lover's dark humored admission to fear and vilnerability was the final crack in the dam; the tears fell warm against his cold cheeks as he waited for Thaddeus to go on.

He frowned at his partner's summary of the team. Listening to Thaddeus almost dispassionately pick apart their strengths and weaknesses was disturbing by itself. Worse though was the sentence that faltered, no doubt once more for his sake; They could, it was clear, do one thing well enough. How could anyone mar the pale flesh before him? Harm those long graceful fingers? Look into the face of innocent youth and hurtfully touch one hair on his head? Alfarinn could not comprehend how they could see what he saw and do what they had done. Did they not feel anything? It sickened him to think of what heartless creatures they had to have been. Yet Gould was looking for his son. What would he do? How far would he sink into psychological depravity for the sake of finding Thaddeus?

His lover's words cut through his thoughts and Alfarinn blinked away the tears in an effort to look at his companion clearly. When he spoke, he did not recognize the voice, hoarse and heavy with emotion, as his own. Alfarinn wasn't really certain that he had uttered the disbelief out loud.

"...Three days?"Â?

...Terrible lack of organization really... How hungry he must have been, starving from blood loss in a way no human could comprehend. How terrified, weak and close to animal madness....three days... He wished, in retrospect, that Thaddeus had known and could have told them. He would happily have sold that newly created vampire to these thugs just to ease his lover's pain.

Gave them more of a scare than he intended to? He would have been murderous by such a point, empath or no. Alfarinn understood the situation though, as much as he could through his partner's censored telling, and it would have been dangerous to have killed one of them when they outnumbered Thaddeus so greatly and had him bound. Perhaps his gentle lover would have done more if only he had been given a chance, only Thaddeus knew.

Alfarnn could not imagine Mai allowing anyone to live who had harmed this particular Anantya. He was her family, her adopted child. He realized in that moment that Sorin was on borrowed time and it mattered not whether they could prove him guilty. Mai might allow them to use the legal road to justice if they could succeed but if all evidence were lost it was quite probable that she would exact her own justice. He held no fear of that outcome. In this case the group of humans were not even an decent obstacle and he could see her blade cutting bloody arcs through the air.

He watched Thaddeus solemnly as his companion explained that he killed Eric Gould Sr. Even now there was a guilt, perhaps at not feeling guilty, but it saddened him that his lover should take yet more pain away from this experience.

Sorin took care of things alright. He ruined many lives that night and countless numbers before. Alfarinn's fury flared hot at the thought of the man responsible for so much anguish and death. If Mai did kill him he thought at this moment that he was very likely to do it himself.

Now,however, was not the time. Alfarinn gently cupped his lover's chin and tilted it up to look into the matching grey eyes.

"Do you expect me to condemn you, Thaddeus? Because I will not."Â?

He ran his thumb along his lover's jaw and then moved his hand down Thaddeus' neck and over his shoulder, wanting to feel the whole and healthy skin for himself in order to replace those images of torture which something better.

"Eric Gould made his choice when he took you. He was willing to do far worse than kill you, Beloved, and you would not have harmed him had he not driven you to it. You are not killer nor are you guilty of any crime other than surviving."Â?

Pulling Thaddeus close, he laid his cheek against his companion's.

"I know the words mean nothing nor will they change how you feel but I cannot say nothing nor can I feel there was anything wrong in his death at your hands. It is likely that he would have killed himself when what he had done began to eat away his sanity, you spared him having to lose that battle. It is a pity that he lost his son but he knew him to be alive. He knew him not to be truly a monster. These bastards spoke with you...they knew you were just a man interested in their book, innocent and trusting. I don't understand..."Â?

He let the sentence trail away; there was no explaining such violence and no way to understand such cruelty to someone you knew to be an blameless victim. Alfarinn ran his hands down his lover's back and leaned forward to plant a kiss on Thaddeus' neck. He would take the painful experience himself if he could spare Thaddeus from even a moment of it but he could not change the past. Laying his cheek back down against his partner's, Alfarinn spoke quietly.

"I'm sorry, Beloved. So long as I live, I swear you will never be alone again."Â?

He sent all the fierce protective love and comfort he could through the bond between them. It was a promise that he knew he was able to keep. This one thing he knew he could do; Thaddeus would never have to go through anything totally alone again.

Thaddeus pushed back against the hand that gently led his chin upward, unnerved at the idea of having to meet his lover’s eyes right now. Alfarinn’s mix of feelings blended in with his guilt and shame until he could no longer quite tell –what- he was feeling, save weary. He longed for this all to be buried once more but knew that wasn’t reasonable.

In the end he offered only a token resistance before looking into Alfarinn’s eyes, finding he was more than a little nervous at what he might see. Finding the expression there almost startling in its intensity, he nervously reached up and took Alfarinn’s face in his hands, sweeping both cheeks with his thumbs. It was distressing to truly realize just how much he had upset his lover with this accounting, though at the same time he felt more than a little silly for being so alarmed. Really, how would –he- have felt if Alfarinn had come to him with this story? He frowned as his hands strayed down to his lover’s shoulders and put that thought firmly into the ‘unthinkable’ category.

Hearing reasoning from Alfarinn was another kind of reassurance – he wasn’t just blindly being accepted even after doing something terrible – but the reasons themselves were confusing to him. Thaddeus had always taken this incident as proof that he had the capacity to kill mercilessly and not experience the slightest bit of regret. Alfarinn obviously viewed the matter differently and he wondered for a moment if he had been less than truthful in his retelling, to have inspired such different conclusions. Perhaps he had subconsciously portrayed himself as somehow brave or noble in all of this, when that had hardly been his role in the incident. He wondered, now, if he should have told Alfarinn about the hundred times he wished the next blow, the next shot, the next minute of existence in that room would kill him. Perhaps he should have better explained his own arrogance in thinking that he could go into a situation hopelessly outnumbered and expect to come out unscathed. He wasn’t certain he –could- explain his nearly feral state of mind by the end but he thought perhaps he should have tried.

Of course he didn’t want to be condemned, but he wasn’t honestly certain he wanted to be excused either; his feelings on that matter were a complicated tangle that had been thrown into a back closet for so many years that –he- hardly knew what this experience meant to him. He –did- know that he wanted the truth to be understood; it was simply too terrible to wonder at every turn if Alfarinn would still say this or do that when he –knew-. It was frustrating that something he had deemed insignificant could suddenly turn into such an insidious secret but in retrospect…perhaps Alfarinn should have known regardless of what they found in Sorin’s apartment.

Blinking away that thought as both odd and rather morbid, he let his eyes flicker down once before looking back up and speaking in a somewhat faraway voice.

“I…wasn’t sure what to expect. I didn’t feel I had the right to expect…well.” He smiled a little, though his voice still sounded very small. “I suppose I always knew I didn’t deserve you.”

He lowered his head to Alfarinn’s shoulder, feeling confused, and wrapped an arm around his lover when he was pulled close and held. Feeling the cool cheek against his own added that final touch of security and he closed his eyes, trying to drown out his skepticism and simply listen. Blindly, he reached out to stroke Alfarinn’s hair, thinking himself quite undeserving of this comfort but taking it nonetheless, and trying to process what his lover was saying.

He could believe that Gould Sr. might have taken his own life, had he been allowed to live. There had been a moment of understanding, he thought – near the end, he thought Gould truly realized what he had done, what he had become. Sometimes he would remember that moment – just a waver in the other man’s voice, fingers lightly touching his arm where the skin was undamaged. He would remember and feel both sick and glad that Eric Gould had not died in a haze of innocent madness. He sighed at the recollection now – it just wasn’t the sort of thing he could even articulate, much less admit to feeling.

No…he wasn’t the noble one in this scenario. Perhaps there were no innocents.

He did not mistake Alfarinn’s trailing statement as naiveté, knowing that his lover had a healthy understanding of human nature. The impressive thing was not in Alfarinn’s unique understanding rooted in thousands of years of experience, but in his continued optimism. Even so, he thought he might try to explain in some way. ‘Those men acted out of fear of the unknown, and had believed he did not think and feel as they did,’ he could say.

Instead, he said something perhaps more truthful, though a great deal less illuminating.

“I don’t understand either.”

He had managed to hold himself together reasonably well up to that point, under the circumstances, but Alfarinn’s next words brought an almost painful sting to his eyes. He pulled closer, knowing he was clinging now but quite unable to let go as gratitude and affection washed over the mix of emotions rolling over him. He tried to speak and found he couldn’t, and wouldn’t really know what to say in any case. Instead, he held on tightly until he could pull himself together, and when he did his reply was as understated as ever, spoken in a muffled, strained voice into one shoulder.

“Thank you.”

He sniffed a little and pulled away, just enough to turn his head to the other side.

“I suppose now you can see how finding Eric Gould will be…complicated for me.”

He was half tempted to give another ironic laugh at that, but really this time the gross understatement wasn’t all that funny. God only knew what this would mean for them when Eric Gould returned, likely seeking justice in the matter of his father’s death.

He sighed heavily and buried his face in Alfarinn’s neck, knowing he was, in a way, hiding from troubles that needed thought and direction, but he was too tired to rebuke himself for his behavior.

Alfarinn felt bad for wanting Thaddeus to at least look at him but he thought it was important. Too many things were said as platitudes to a loved one when they've been hurt or troubled. A slid of the eyes and a quick "It'll be okay"Â? was not the kind of support he wanted to give and he thought Thaddeus could really use a lot more than that.

The hands on his cheeks were a comfort and a hurt at the same time. He had not meant to upset Thaddeus more with his own emotions. He waved a hand in a gesture of frustrated dismissal before catching both his lover's wrists, now on his shoulders, and planting a kiss in each palm.

He frowned in total confusion at his partner's confession. Thaddeus didn't deserve him? A saint was not good enough for his companion. Truly Thaddeus was far harder on himself than he had any right to be. Holding his lover close, he gave his take on the situation that Thaddeus had explained.

Surely his lover didn't think the Anantya would punish him for what he did? If they dared then they'd have an outraged Evenhet in their midst...and... while probably not as frightening as some things, he would be very determined. He doubted such an event would take place, Mai was there, she killed the remaining men. No one would question her on it; she was rescuing Thaddeus. Alfarinn felt a bitter twinge of anger at the tiny ancient huntress; why couldn't she have found him -before- he had to go through such pain and anguish? He pushed it aside; he should be grateful that she found Thaddeus at all. The only difference was Eric Gould Jr was now alive and presumably well somewhere in Bulgaria. His father's only worth to the Anantya council would that he was a relative of his vampire son. It was complicated but still the outcome seemed fairly straight forward to him.

He ran his fingers through the wet tendrils of Thaddeus' hair in long soothing strokes and considered his companion's remark.

"I do not believe that anyone would ask you to deal with Eric Gould Jr if they knew the truth, Thaddeus . I can understand if you do not wish to make it public knowledge, even among your clan but I think Claire would be more understanding if she knew something of what happened...."Â?

Alfarinn paused and frowned thoughtfully.

"I don't think you should tell her immediately. Its up to you of course but she still has to deal more closely with Sorin than any of us. I am not sure she could pull off her role as the unaware child if she knew this. She does care about you a lot you know. Rather fond of you and Palmer too for that matter."Â?

Sighing at the further trouble they had found while on this quest for the truth, Alfarinn got up with Thaddeus in his arms and stepped up out of the hot tub.

"No more of this tonight. Eric Gould Jr has been where he is for fifty years and he'll have to wait perhaps a few months more. We have more pressing problems but when the time comes, I'll go myself if you wish but we can all figure it out together."Â?

He let his companion down to stand on his own feet reluctantly and reached for two large fluffy towels. Wrapping one around his lover's shoulders, Alfarinn then took the other and wrapped it around his waist. Pulling his still warm and steaming companion gently against him, Alfarinn smiled but sobered and spoke quietly.

"For what its worth, I think you deserve someone far better than me...but I'm glad that its me that you're stuck with."Â?

Thaddeus managed to pry his eyes back open at the sensation of fingers running through his hair, though he was still reluctant to pull himself away even if he didn’t feel he was behaving in the most dignified manner befitting a Grey.

He hadn’t really considered what others might ask of him as far as ‘dealing with’ Eric Gould – instead he had reacted preemptively to say how far he was willing to go. He supposed that was, in a way, an empty statement – he would do as he must, as he always did, and if that included personally meeting Eric Gould and bringing him home he would do so, under duress or no. Just because he didn’t see the wisdom in such a course of action didn’t mean it wasn’t there.

Alfarinn, however, seemed to agree that it wasn’t a good idea for him to bring Gould Jr. back into the fold, and he couldn’t help but be touched that there was at least one person in the world who held that opinion for –his- sake and not solely the unfortunate young vampire in this scenario. Doubtless this would all be difficult for Eric Gould, whereas he had had decades to get well and over the whole mess and should be able to deal with things impartially now. He imagined that would be how most would perceive the situation, but it was a genuine comfort to have Alfarinn looking out for his feelings in all of this. It made it easier to stay impartial around others.

And that led to the question of what, and when, he should tell Claire. Alfarinn offered up his opinion on that and while Thaddeus was certain his lover had his best interests at heart, the idea of telling her more than absolutely necessary was rather dreadful. Caught up in musing over that, he had to go over Alfarinn’s assessment of Claire’s feelings a few times before it registered. He pulled back at that, somewhat surprised.

“She does?” Immediately after speaking he inwardly rolled his eyes at himself. Really, did he think she was just being polite in going along with their little schemes? He had to admit that….yes, to some extent he had believed she was joining them mostly because she had little choice in being involved as Sorin’s child, and her conduct was mainly civility. Somehow he had missed the fact that somewhere along the line this group of people had developed a friendship that went beyond clan ties and couples and inner cliques. They had…gelled…if that was the word for it. Even if no one but the empath saw it just now. It gave him hope that matters with Claire could be resolved and this tension was only temporary.

He made a disgruntled sort of sound as Alfarinn lifted him out of the hot tub but otherwise behaved himself, considering the rush of cold air on his skin inevitable and using it as a shameless excuse to snuggle closer.

“I’ll think about how best to talk to her but I suspect you’re right.”

He didn’t think much of this idea of going off to Bulgaria without him but Alfarinn was once again right – now was not the time to work those details out. Now was the time to get wrapped in a warm fluffy towel and head inside, as far as he was concerned.

Just as soon as he could bring himself to let go of his companion, that is.

“Hmmph, who was it who said I have excellent taste? I only pick the best, I’ll have you know.”

Taking the towel from around his shoulders, he dried off with an attempt at a smug expression before mirroring Alfarinn and wrapping his towel around his waist.

“Shall we go in?”

Alfarinn grinned at Thaddeus' witty retort, deciding that it was a step towards a lightening of the more serious mood. Kissing his companion on the forehead, he smiled.

"Well you -do- have one of the most eligible bachelors in Nachton; who is hopelessly in love with you."Â?

He pretended to puff up with pride and arched an eyebrow at Thaddeus before throwing some of his wet hair over one shoulder. His ego trip was short lived and delivered him back off at his suite,standing outside in a towel in the cold night air.

Quickly picking up their clothes in one armful, Alfarinn picked up the other towels in another. Probably not the most romantic of exits from the hot tub that he could imagine but Thaddeus did not have another set of clothes here. Those could, of course, be bought downstairs and having his companion walking about naked in his apartment would thrill him immensely but he'd feel bad that Thaddeus had no other option through his neglect. He would just have to convince his lover that nakedness was the best possible choice by other means.

"I think that sounds good. Any requests for the rest of the evening?"Â?

Thaddeus’s half smug expression softened into something slightly gentler at the kiss to his forehead, and he leaned in toward Alfarinn a little, as though pulled by gravity, before responding.

“You said it. I am a lucky man.”

Reaching out for the extra towels, he pondered the fact that he didn’t have any spare clothes here for half a moment before deciding it wasn’t as though he needed to get dressed right this minute anyway. Mostly he wondered why that was and thought he should have had more foresight. It was a little late to think of that now, though, but he supposed he should plan to remedy that situation if Alfarinn didn't mind.

“I’m afraid I’m not going to be the best of company…to be honest I’m not thinking much further than curling up in that lovely bed of yours.”

Alfarinn smiled at Thaddeus privately feeling very blessed himself. He opened the sliding door and waited for Thaddeus to enter before following and locking up behind them. Not expecting much in the way of activity, Alfarinn agreed to Thaddeus' plans but had to argue against what he felt was a very false statement.

"You're always the best of company, Beloved."Â?

Taking the bundle of clothes upstairs, he dropped his and his towel off in the laundry bin in the bathroom and then returned to the bedroom. Alfarinn folded Thaddeus' clothes up and placed them on a chair before turning to his companion. If Thaddeus wanted to borrow a shirt in the morning he felt there was probably something in the walk in closet likely to be suitable. It was somehow terribly sexy to see Thaddeus wearing his clothes. He would think it a shame that they weren't closer in height but for the fact that he felt his lover fit so nicely in his arms just the way he was; that was more important.

Turning down one side of the covers, Alfarinn smiled at Thaddeus and invited him in.

"My bed is yours. Now would you be wanting that with or without naked Norse accessories?"Â?

He smirked and winked at Thaddeus while waiting for a reply.

Thaddeus followed Alfarinn up the stairs, taking a look around him in between checking the view above. His lover’s suite truly was impressive and it felt good to be welcome here, very much in Alfarinn’s personal space.

Unable to help smiling a little when Alfarinn discarded his towel, he did the same before joining his lover in the bedroom, where he gratefully slipped into the offered side of the bed and raised his eyebrows in silent invitation.

He gave his companion an incredulous look when asked if he would like a naked Alfarinn in bed with him. The answer was in the question with that one! Catching his lover’s wink and the slight smirk, he shook his head and turned down the covers on the other side.

“Get in here, you.”

It didn’t occur to him until afterward that Alfarinn might not have the slightest desire to go to bed just yet. A small part of him retorted with a ‘well what is he doing hanging around naked then?’ but even so he thought he might be behaving inconsiderately. Alfarinn might prefer to stay awake and process all of this rather than collapsing into a heap; in fact, that was usually his preference and he wondered what made him so sure he would be able to sleep, and deeply at that.

Perhaps it had something to do with feeling secure.

His half joking smile faded.

“If you’d like. For a little while….”

He sternly told himself that Greys did not give puppy eyes but didn’t quite manage to stop.

Alfarinn smiled at his companion's playful command and slid into the bed beside Thaddeus. The cool sheets felt nice and comfortable but he sighed in contentment when he finally reached his lover's warmth. Snuggling up comfortably around his companion, Alfarinn then propped himself up on one elbow.

The puppy dog eyes Thaddeus was giving him as he amended his command was too much. There had been no where else he wanted to be but right next to Thaddeus but the uncertainty he felt from his partner combined with the sad eyes looking up at him made him melt.

Wrapping his arms around Thaddeus, he pulled closer and laid his head on his lover's chest.

"Of course. Where else would I want to be?"Â?

He was not truly sleepy just yet and the relaxation he had felt had slipped away with Thaddeus' story but Alfarinn could not imagine brooding alone somewhere. He firmly pushed the idea of a cold drink out of his mind and pulled the covers higher around the both of them.

Thaddeus looked down with a sheepish expression at Alfarinn’s question, muttering a soft ‘oh…I don’t know…’ in response. Figuring that was enough shame to clear his conscience, he snuggled closer, stretching out against his lover’s cool body and stroking the soft, slightly damp hair that spilled out onto the pillow.

After a slight sigh and a little rearranging his limbs, he let his head fully settle into the pillow and closed his eyes, childishly thinking that they would deal with their respective numb limbs in the morning.

“Good night, love.”

He supposed ‘good day’ would make more sense from a literal standpoint but some bits of human thinking were bound to linger.

Linguistics seemed like a better thing to dwell on than replaying the events he had retold this evening over in his mind, and while his thoughts strayed there once or twice before he fell asleep, he nodded off quickly enough that it made little difference.

He did mutter one last thing before completely succumbing to restless dreams.

“Thank you.”

/ooc Thaddeus and Alfarinn out